Friday, December 22, 2006
Finally, holidays have arrived and I cant wait to get out of this office!!! Im leaving about an hour to catch a few zzzzzz's then spoil my mom at a German restaurant for her birthday. I was just saying to one of my colleagues that it doesnt feel like Christmas to me. This year has gone by too quickly - not that I am complaining, cause it has been one of the worst years of my life, despite some of the good times I have had this year. I cant wait for 2007, it just has to be better!
I will still try to update my blog while Im on holiday, not every day though, cause I will be drowning my sorrows at getting another year older (it's my birthday on Monday, I expect drunken phone calls people!!). I will return to this hell hole on January the 3rd.
I am sitting here with a long to-do list and several Christmas presents that I am dying to open. I am worse than a five year old!!! One of my colleagues sms'd me earlier and I had to laugh out loud, she caught her 6 month old daughter under the Christmas tree ripping one of her presents open. How she knew that it was her present, I have no clue. But the determination makes me laugh, and proud. Hehehhh
Anywhoo, I am not gonna babble anymore. I have had too much champagne and my tongue is loose. I have lots of exciting things coming up over the next few weeks so I will be sharing all those stories with you in due course. Im sure lots of you are going on holiday from today as well, like Berny and Marbro - have fun in Botswana, see you next week! So, let me wish you all a Merry Christmas and drunken Happy New Year!!!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
To start off the evening, I ordered us a round of Jagerbombs (geez, its been a while), and we each picked a cocktail. After waiting almost half an hour for our bloody drinks (if service was going to be this slow all night there was no way any of us were getting drunk), they finally arrived, so we all stood up while Uli and Ingrid took us through the Jagersmeister poem. I only managed to remember the first line, and the last word “Prost”. Haha. It was gooooddddd.
It seemed that the Purple Rain cocktail was the most popular in our group and by the end of the evening most of us had purplish-blue tongues. Nice. And apparently the most potent, according to Berny. Haha.
We got several dirty looks as we were quite a noisy bunch, especially after a few drinks. But no matter, we were having fun. We had some phone conversations with Uli’s new man, who Im pretty sure now is convinced that we are psycho, and our resident drunk-chat pal, Mr Vomitboy. Yes, I remember offering you my free one way plane ticket so you can come to my party. The offer still stands.
There were some okes sitting two tables behind us with a hubbly bubbly. Berny was eyeing it all night and eventually got the courage to ask if she could have a go. So we ended up making new friends, and apparently I invited them to my birthday party as well, haha. But I had to!! One of them said I looked 21!!! Maybe he was lying, but it’s the thought that counts.
We had to have one more rounds of shooters so we each picked our favourites. Berny, ever wanting to learn new German words, asked Uli how you say “Blowjob” in German. Uli was at a loss for words but eventually came up with a sort of direct translation for it: Pustenarbeit (I may have the spelling wrong – Uli, Inki, a little help here please!!). So that kind of stuck and we asked the baffled and scared waitress for 2 pustenarbeits.
Other than that I cant remember much else as to what happened that evening. I remember people posing for photos on Berny’s phones, Sonja actually drinking the jagerbomb I ordered for her, Cailin (or was it Berny?) sitting on a potplant, us waving at random people going pass the McD’s drive-through, and ja, that’s about it. Anything else – I plead temporary amnesia and insanity i.e. it never happened.
Wish I had some pics *cough* *cough*
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
But enough with my dilemmas, lets get on to the sport! This week was quite a big week in the sporting world and even bigger week in the world of politics! Yes the Fat Eye knows all about the world wide conspiracy attempting to put me on a diet!
Recently in the news it came out that Indian peoples do not like being called Koelies, well who would have known? An Indian dude then later in the week made a comment on how Jacque Kallis doesn’t sing the national anthem before games! Kallis stated that he had his own personal reasons for not singing the anthem, which although vague is acceptable.
This ******* then stated that Kallis has no respect for the new SA and that he should give a valid explanation for not singing the anthem! Hmmm, ek wonder?
Kallis has now come out (not the closet, as yet) and said that it has to do with the death of his Father, who he would sing the anthem with! Well I wonder how the ******* feels now? I wonder if an apologee will be forthcoming?
Furthermore in politics this week it was discovered that an Indian long distance runner has failed her, em well, her gender test! After an anonymous tip off she was tested and it was discovered that “she” is actually a man! Hee hee hee! Only in India ek se!
And in keeping with the Indian theme although the Proteas were smacked in the first test, it was still bloody entertaining! Especially so with the Nel – Sreesanth contest! In the first innings Nel smacked Sreesanth around and they had words (Sreesanth acting a lot like Nel)! Then in India’s second innings Nel decided to show Sreesanth how to scare the living daylights out of a batsman! Sreesanth decided to counter punch and show Nel how to bat. After hitting Nel for six he ran down the pitch and did a little dance for Nel! Fuck that was funny! I can’t wait for the next one, hopefully we can win it though!
Also at this time of the year it’s nice reflect on this year passed. Therefore I like to remember the Fat Eye moments as supplied by fans, mostly Cazzy it seems, and she never disappoints! Now she has gone and done it and delivered (on a silver platter) the all time Fat Eye moment!
This week whilst the boys and girls were competing in vigorous game of 30 seconds, the girls came out victories, after the boys had let a massive lead slip! Cazzy then blurted out: “WE SUCK, YOU RULE!”
Weasel, Basti and Modman have however also been hard at work! Weasely seems to have really let himself go, he has really be going at it with reckless abandon! Lately he aksed: “Since when has Theo Walcott been an Arsenal player?” See Theo is the 19 year old who made headlines when he was selected to play for England at the World Cup, and HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ARSENAL PLAYER, DUMMY!
Modman also asked whether Seven was a good movie, this after we had been watching SEVENS RUGBY! Word G!
Basti’s was however my favourite, he being a Sharks fan tuned that there are just too many Sharks in the Boks Sevens team!
So finally it has arrived, my favourite time of the year, the all you can eat season! Ek se Christmas dinner, pudding and and BOOZE! But lets not forget the real reason of Christmas, PRESENTS! Ek kannie wag!
So till next year have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Totsiens!
Written, for the last time this year apparently, by Ferdi the one who is on a diet
Cazzy Edit: Ferdi told me not to edit this, so here I am, editing. I didn't give him permission to go on leave from his Fat Eye duties two weeks before the end of year, so he might just make an appearance or two again this year. If he knows what's good for him...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Now this year’s pageant might have slipped me by again had it not been for a certain front page story in the Sunday Times this week. It had nothing to do with the winner (I still don’t know who won) but with one of the other contestants. Apparently, the formal dress she decided to wear, caused a huge uproar with some of the judges and viewers, because, wait for it, her dress “was too revealing”. This dress showed off her ample bosom, and that, apparently, is a big no-no. WTF?
I have always been a firm believer of the saying “if you have got it, flaunt it”, so what is wrong with showing some cleavage? But now, what really gets me confused here is that apart from formal dresses, contestants also have to parade on stage in their swimsuits. Surely, these little pieces of clothing show off more flesh than ball gowns?
I smell a conspiracy here. I reckon some bright spark realised that the pageant has lost its sparkle over the years and cried “SCANDAL” just to add some interest again. Anything is possible.
Sunday Times went so far as to run a poll asking readers what they thought of the dress. Only 10% decided that it was too revealing. One reader even commented that she and her 7 and 10 year old daughters were disgusted by the amount of cleavage this contestant showed. Pu-lease. Get a life. We have all seen worse.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Saturday night, the gang and me went to our local Spur for all you can eat ribs. I was smart and ordered a tramezzini. I know my limits. Ferdi, well, he is not the same anymore. Ever since he entered the working world he has been seeing avoiding lifts, and now climbs stairs. His belly is starting to disappear. I dont know my brother anymore. He needs help. I am afraid he might even start to wear pink shirts any day now.
You can see by these pics that he is ashamed of his condition. Look how he tries to cover up. Us girls eventually had to hold his arms so we could show you what state he is in. Please submit your suggestions and advice for Ferdi here. Its much appreciated. Thank you.
Friday, December 15, 2006
My Christmas shopping list increases every year and I always say, this year Im going to get an early start and avoid the Christmas rush. I did start early this time, but after 3 weeks of shopping, I am still not done!! I am so tired of shopping malls and crowds of people that I think I might just pull a Scrooge on some people. But I dont have the heart to do that.
Even though I am only going on leave next week Friday, today I am leaving early, in about an hour in fact, for a little Christmas lunch at one of my colleague's place. After this hectic week, it will be nice to just sit down, relax and talk kak for a bit. The weekend should be good too - though Berny has begged me nicely to convince everyone to go watch Dozi tonight. What?!!! Did you read that properly? Yes, Dozi. I think I owe Berny one, so I will do my best to oblige her.
Ou ryyyyyppppperrrrrddddddd. Yippee Yippeee yip.
Ho ho ho ho.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
You all might think this is so silly, and maybe it is, but whenever my brothers do something for me, I take note. It's not that they never do anything for me, because they do, but the things that they do for me mean a lot, especially these days. Hells bells, what the hell did they put in my lunch today? I am NEVER this soppy!!!!! AHHHHHHHGHHHHH!!!!
I almost ruined that wonderful moment yesterday while Ferdi and I drove home. I was lost in thought, when suddenly I hear Ferdi going "weeeeeeee" in a girly voice while looking at me, all excited. I missed our wee moment!!!!! Oh boy, you must all be thinking now that I have really lost it!!! You see, every time Ferdi and I go over a certain speed bump somewhere near home, he speeds up a bit and we both go "weeeeeeeee!!!!!!" And yesterday I missed it. I watched as his bottom lip slowly protuded from his mouth while he sulked. Shame, I better not forget this afternoon!!!
In other news, I was very disappointed that I was not able to donate blood today. I was looking forward to it all day, especially since there is a blood shortage, but I was turned away cause my iron levels in my blood are too low. Bugger. No wonder I am dizzy and crazy today.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
These last two days have gone by so fast yet they felt like two long days at the same time. This week is social awareness week for us at work and together with two of my colleagues I have been involved in organising a Christmas party for Christway Orphanage and Creche, and the children's ward in Baragwanath Hospital. What a mission!
First we had to raise enough money for everything which was a task in itself but luckily we got some wonderful (and huge) donations from several people. After a long queue at the bank trying to change signatories on the cheque account we raced to Makro to do all the shopping. Now I love shopping, but after yesterday, I dont think I want to go near a shop for a long long time (and I still havent finished my Christmas shopping - but that's another story, another blog).
Since we were paying by cheque, we had to get it cleared before we even attempted to shop. After almost an hour of waiting, I was told that they couldnt authorise the cheque because the financial position on that account was unknown - reason being, there is irregular activity on that account. Duh!! Its an account purely for charity work! Of course its going to have irregular activities on it. Several phone calls later to the bank (let's not forget that I work for the said bank) back and forth, we were given the all clear and the shopping could begin, even though I was miffed about wasting so much precious time.
I was in charge of organising gifts for the 20 orphans (toys and toiletries), plus for getting them as much groceries as I could. I had a big budget so naturally I went mad. My two friends organised gifts for the hospital kids plus Christmas decorations, then sweet packs and food for the orphanage and creche party. I filled 2 trolleys! After 2 hours of going up and down every aisle, we walked to the till dragging FIVE trolleys.
I was so afraid that we were over budget. We ended with a colossal bill, but still with a few thousand to spare. Next we had to figure out how to fit five trolleys worth of goods, into two cars. With great difficulty, I said. Nice thing about this was that I got home early. I was dropped off at home with several laundry baskets full of goods so I could organise everything into parcels. I was still missing a few things so I went to Cresta for some more retail therapy. That took hours again (thank god for extended shopping hours) so by the time I got home I didnt even have the energy to wrap gifts. But I had to force myself to do it and I wrapped till the early hours. And then I couldnt sleep....
This morning I got Ferdi and Weasel to help me carry everything upstairs to my office. It was Weasel's first time in my place of work so he was so excited. Right. Then it was off to breakfast with my cycling team (finally) and then off we went to the orphanage (while another group went to Bara). We set up 2 jumping castles and made them hotdogs, plus handed out sweet packs etc. We also loaded their combi with all the groceries and gifts I had organised. It was so rewarding to see all the smiles in the children's faces.
This orphanage has 20 orphans living there permanently and then they run a day care centre which has between 150 to sometimes even 400 (!!) children! It's clearly visible that these people struggle, and receive few donations. That is why we have decided to help them as much as we can. I first visited this place around Easter when we held a similar party for these kids. They have definitely won me over and hold a special place in my heart. I want to do as much as I can for these kids.
After the party we treated ourselves to a lunch at a nearby restaurant. I was finished!! I was hoping to go home early but now Im back in the office (with an ever-increasing in-tray I see) waiting for Ferdi to pick me up. My eyes feel heavy, and I could go to sleep right now. Except that Im dirty and in need of a bath. And a good massage. Haha. But nonetheless, this is all worth it, just to see smiles on kids' faces.
Monday, December 11, 2006
We arrived at the church about 30 minutes before the funeral and already the place was packed with people from all over. I travelled with my pastor, Uli and Inki, and some of their friends. We met friends we hadn't seen in while there, it just sucked that it had to be in such kak circumstances.
Eventually the family and boyfriend arrived and we all gathered at the cemetery. It was just all too much for me. It really hit home that she was really gone when they put her down into the ground and threw mounds and mounds of soil on her. I held onto my friend and watched in horror as her coffin was completely covered.
We then moved onto the church for the service. It was already packed with people so I sat outside on the grass with my friends and stared into nothingness. A storm was about to break. It looked menacing and finally gave in just as the service ended. As we were about to have some tea and snacks (not that we were really hungry) at the hall, it started to hail, big ice blocks. I havent seen such a terrible storm in ages. The grounds were flooded in minutes. I thought to myself, it looks as if all the angels in heaven are crying.
As soon as the storm passed we got ready to leave. I hugged her mom and she assured me that she felt much stronger now. I struggled to fight back the tears. The drive back felt long but at least I got some closure now, and felt a bit better too. Needless to say, I felt like getting drunk that night, to be numb and feel nothing. And so I did.
I went with Berny, Marbro, Ferdi and co to play pool at Paddys. It was like apartheid as the girls played on one table, the boys on another, haha. We started off with tequila and then Smirnoff, but by the 4th (or was it 5th) drink I had to call it quits cause I was in no mood to get sick. I didnt win a single pool match but I had fun. It was a good distraction.
Friday, December 08, 2006
As you all know the Fat Eye started his new job this week, yes indeed I am a grafter! Serving justice, helping the poor and bringing peace to the land, Duffman! Yip it’s all in a days work for the Fat Eye!
Ok so lets get started, firstly Weasely has now been on leave for about oh two days and he is already bored! Me thinks it has something to do with an incident that the Fat Eye witnessed on Friday night when I walked in on Weasel watching a Tom Cruise film whilst the CRICKET WAS ON! Ek kannie glo nie!
He was also drinking a Pepsi at the time!
In other news Basti asked me where Man United was on the log!
And yet again Sky News has delivered the goods; in a division 1 game in which 7 goals were scored an incident happened where a striker managed to save his very own goal! He lobbed a header towards the goal, then made a second attempt in which he headed the goal bound ball over the cross bar! His team lost!
The Fat Eye, Bastlein and Spies were out on the cricket pitch this week! We played for like hours and I hit the biggest six, there were no winners or losers! Just players who are equals except for the Fat Eye who is a cut above the rest!
The Fat Eye witnessed some very disturbing images this week aswell! See the Fat Eye was of the opinion that a pink shirt in itself was gay and that no further measures need be resorted to, the Fat Eye was wrong! See I saw a dude wearing a pink golf shirt with no sleeves, as if it weren’t gay enough as is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Fat Eye has always been at the forefront of new styles and thus I decided to educate those who don’t know better, after all not everyone is blessed with the sight! The Fat Eye had to choose his apprentices very carefully, therefore who better than Cazzy herself, and her good designer friend Sonja?
The Fat Eye started off small expounding this seasons in fashion, I didn’t want to overwhelm them at this stage! See this seasons style is knee high khaki shorts, a golf T and pointy leather shoes for the guys, as for the ladies they can wear, well nothing!
As it turns out it didn’t take long to find a specimen as Quentin (Cazzy’s friend) had taken the Fat Eye’s advice, unfortunately no ladies could be found!
I lost ten bucks in Poker thanks to a drunken V-Dawg!
Ronaldo is gay!
Boks won the sevens!
Daddy does Pilates!
Phillip Burger is a fruitcake according to Basti’s mommy!
And last but not least Kayla, a six year old, rates the Parlotones are gay!
Nuff said, see you peeps next week!
Word M-unit on the new job!
Written by the new working man, Ferdinova
Thursday, December 07, 2006
The kings and queens of "blessing" their kids with weird names have to be Bob Geldof and the late Paula Yates: Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie. Hells Bells!!!! Something tells me that Paula was off her rocker and most to blame for these creative names, as she later named her child with (the also late) Michael Hutchence, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lilly. What a mouthful! I wonder if these kids got teased at school...never mind kids being nasty, parents can also be so cruel!!!!
There is now a huge trend among celebs to outdo each other by calling their kids the most unheard of names (some even inventing their own translations for the names) like Suri (Cruise), Shiloh Nouvel (Jolie-Pitt) and should I mention poor Apple? This is fast catching onto regular everyday people - if celebs are doing it, then so must we!
Recently a British study was done to see what are the most popular names at the moment. For girls, the top 10 are: Keira, Kylie, Shakira, Britney, Peaches (there you go!), Madonna, Beyonce (my condolences to those kids), Dido (!!), Catherine Zeta (!!!) and Apple (haha, but of course). For the boys: Tiger (grrr), Keanu (actually, this one is not bad), Dre, Gazza, Brooklyn, Tupac (hehehh), Jay-Z, Snoop, David Beckham (hohoho) and Superman!!! (no Martin, this is not a dig at you, I cant help what the results of this study show *wink*).
So there you have it folks. My parents never had much of an imagination so I wonder if I can change my name to Queen Cazzy of the Evil Underworld Watermelon?
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I caught a few glimpses of the nutcase with a big moustache on the Ali G Show (who can ever erase that infamous "g-string" from their minds) but he failed to make me laugh, until I saw the movie. Silly, and disgusting, as it was, I laughed from beginning to end, something that most films have failed to achieve.
So what if most of it literally involved toilet humour? And that hotel room scene!! Aaah!! I think, in my mind, what made it so successful was how Sacha Baron Cohen unwittingly managed to make fun of the Americans. That country is so dense that I think they have yet to realise that they are being ripped off here in a big way - especially since this film has been such a huge hit in America. What dumbasses. Why should the Kazakhstani people feel offended? Their country has been put on the map!! There is nothing better than free publicity.
I take off my hat to Mr Cohen. He's got balls.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Everytime I phone, they tell me in the over-polite call centre sing song voice that they "regret to inform me, but they are not able to find any space in Johannesburg right now, but please (really, please) phone regularly again to check if there have been any cancellations". How about you pick a finger and then I tell you where to stick it???
Ok, I know I am at fault here for dragging this and not getting my licence as soon as I turned 18. Believe me, I am still kicking myself. This is actually the FOURTH (yes, fourth) time that I will be writing my learners (last one I wrote in May, which I failed by 2 points, dumbass). The first time I wrote this, was when I was about 19, I think, before the days of call centres. All I had to do was go to my nearest testing station, fill in my form, pay a small fee and book for my tests. No hassles. No problem.
The introduction of this useless central booking system was supposed to make our lives easier and the booking process more efficient. No such thing! Efficient for who, may I ask??? I am getting so annoyed with this that sooner or later Im gonna throw in the towel and live a life of dependency on those lucky buggers who already drive. And I know that I am not the only one who has complained about this. Apparently 94.7 has made several complaints as well. But nobody cares. Nobody listens.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Her parents have decided to donate her organs. So at least she will help to save a few lives. She leaves us with some very good memories. We became very close this year and I thank god for the time that he allowed me to spend with her, like at youth camp - I specifically remember her and me, sitting on the stoep outside the hostel, trying to drink from a box of wine. I still laugh every time I think about that moment. Or the time she stuck her finger down my throat at Ingrid's birthday, just so that I would throw up - now THAT is a good friend.
I miss our long email convo's, our girls' night outs, I miss HER. Goodbye my friend. You are in God's hands now.
Friday, December 01, 2006
My friend and I managed to sneak in to see her later on, and we massaged her feet and talked to her. That seemed to get her to respond as her heart rate went up again. My spirits lifted somewhat, and so I tried to remain positive. But it was just so damn hard not to cry right then and there. Soon after we went home but I couldnt sleep.
This morning I got an sms from Inki saying that she was off life support and breathing on her own!! That had to be good news!! I was so happy and I was sure that things could only get better. But that wasn't to be so, I got my hopes up too quickly. I have been on the phone with different people all morning and they all tell me the same thing: she had another stroke this morning and the doctor is ready to give up. He feels there is nothing more that they can do for her.
This is still not sinking in, it feels so unreal and impossible. But I am not giving up. She is strong and a fighter. She has to pull through. She just has to!!
Thursday, November 30, 2006
On Tuesday morning a close friend of mine was admitted into hospital with a brain haemorrhage and we all feared the worst. A similar thing happened to another friend of mine several years ago and she didn't make it, so naturally I was scared that this was it for her as well. Yesterday morning my fears practically worsened when I was told that she most likely would not make it, and if she did, she'd be paralysed and have brain damage. Why was this happening? She is only 21!!
I thought of all the good times we had, especially this year, and how many more we still have to have! The past few months I have neglected her and now I regret not spending more time with her. It's amazing how we only realise this once tragedy strikes. So I have been praying for a miracle.
And it looks like my prayers might just be answered. I went to visit her in ICU last night. I was a bit scared at first and waited a whole 20 minutes before I eventually went in as I did not know what to expect. But I am glad that I did. Though it was hard to see her lying there, unconscious with all these tubes and machines, she didn't look as bad as I expected. She even had some colour in her face. My friend and I spoke to her a bit, obviously she didnt respond, but her heart rate improved. So deep down she must have known that we were there.
The nurses told us that her heart rate was stable and a friend mentioned that the bleeding had stopped. Now that is something to be positive about!!! She remained stable throughout the night and I am hoping that she will recover 100% from this. Im going to visit her again this afternoon, maybe I will get some more good news. I can only hope and remain strong.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Normally, I wouldnt mind helping someone in need, I try to be charitable every now and then but in this case I held back for 2 reasons: 1. I dont like to bring out my purse in the middle of town and 2. even though this guy was standing about a metre away from me, I could smell alcohol in his breath. He reeked of it and was highly repulsive. I wanted to say to him, "piss of, you drunk" but instead opted for the safer reply of "sorry, I dont have any money on me". A little white lie, but at least I got rid of him. He muttered something under his breath and approached his next victim.
If he is struggling so much, then how the hell can he afford to buy alcohol?? I am not prepared to help anyone who just drinks their money away. If you can afford booze, then you can afford food and shelter too. Dont expect any sympathy from me. There are people out there in far worse situations, and those are the ones I am willing to help out.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
So what does this have to do with boy bands, you ask? Eden - that's who. This party consisted of us handing out parcels in the foyer of the Civic Theatre as kids and parents arrived to watch this year's pantomine of Aladdin, starring boy band Eden. I remember a few years back Inki and I watched them perform at the parking lot in Cresta. Pretty boys, nice to look at, but that's about it. I would not buy their CD. Honestly!
Their lead singer took the role of Aladdin. Other well known actors were Desmond Dube (as Aladdin's mother - hilarious! Practically stole the show!!) and Andre Schwartz as the baddis (he was excellent). I was lucky enough to sit 3 rows from the front so I got a good view of everything, plus got a 10 second stare from one of the Eden boys when our eyes met. Sigh. Vomit. Spew. Yes, like I said before, nice to look at, but would I really want someone that is prettier than me? No. Not a chance. Give me a rough man's man any day.
I have to admit that the show was brilliant and incredibly funny - though some of the comedy went right over the kids' heads, Im sure, as a lot of the chirps were below the belt. But at least they still enjoyed it, including myself. Eden was not bad either, but if this is SA's biggest most successful boy band, then they still have a lot of work to do.
Over the years I have slowly grown out of my boy band phase. Their shelf-life is extremely short-lived. The more boy bands that get churned out of every street corner (haha, Backstreet Boys) the more one realises that you cant just get by on your looks, need some bit of talent as well, dudes. They may be able to fool hormonal teenagers, as they fooled me once, but not anymore!
I'd rather headbang, thank you very much!
Monday, November 27, 2006
But as per usual the ref was at the centre of attention yet again. In the middle of the game he was involved in a controversial incident where his shoelace was untied and the Bok physio had to lay a towel on the ground for the ref to sit on while he tied his laces. The commentators were dumbstruck, as was the Fat Eye!
One dude said rugby is a man's sport and there is no place for behaviour like that in the game!
Last week Cazzy got what I like to call a token appearance in the Fat Eye, but not this weekend! This weekend she gets in on merit.
Let me set the scene: Saturday morning, the Sexyness has been rudely awakened by the Queen Bitch so as to drive her and Uli to the Civic theatre and then whilst conversing with his Highness she asks:
IS THERE A RUGBY MATCH ON TODAY?
The Fat Eye would like to reserve comment at this time!
By the way this weeks token appearance goes to none other than Berny, well done sweety keep up the good work!
Yet again it seems like the Proteas are murderlizing the Indians! Its almost sad at times! But yesterday they were struggling for a moment at 136/7! So Daddy tells me how he thinks they should still manage to reach 200 even though those two morons are batting!
Those two morons were none other than Andrew Hall and Justin Kemp! So I tuned him that they would get closer to 300 than 200, and he laughed, but ek se the Fat Eye was right on the money, the boys came through! By the way if you don’t know what happened, then sorry for jew!
There was however an issue over the exclusion of Andre Nel on the morning of the match! Mickey Arthur was then later seen wearing sunglasses, hmmm ek wonder?
It seems that Louis Saha’s mid-week missed penalty and f*ck ups are all but forgotten if you ask me! He scored what will probably be the most important goal for Man United yesterday. It was a beauty too! Cool, calm and collected, a real brother!
The same cannot however be said for fruit-cake Ronaldo, the motherf*cker missed from infront yet a-f*cking-gain! That miss turned out to be quite a bitch as Chelsea went on to equalise!
But alls good in the hood, Man United are still 3 points ahead and it looks like the League is gonna be f*cking awesome. especially over the Christmas holidays! Ek kannie wag!
And so it seems that the Bolton Wanderers (not the boy band) are moving on up ever since their appearance on the Fat Eye last week! This weekend they took on the mighty Arsenal - sorry I can’t keep a straight face while saying that – ok so they took on Arsenal, and well they smacked them like the bitches they are, 3-1 ek se!
As you all know the Fat Eye is no stranger to people taking cheapshots at him, but never has the Fat Eye been so insulted as this week, by two people who were in the circle of trust!
The first incident was one that came straight out of the blue and thus the Fat Eye was totally thrown by it. See Basti’s mom was saying that me and Basti ought to take up jogging these holidays!
I know it’s a lot to take in, so just a take a minute before reading on.
She said (after comments by Weasel) that we could put on our toits and g-strings over them and go running everyday!
I know what you are thinking right now, how could we have ever let her intro our circle of trust? Well all I can say is that it hurts the most when you are betrayed by loved ones! Me and Basti have now resorted to finding comfort in food in these dark times!
The second incident involves good old Weasel! See I took him with me when I went clothes shopping for works! I took him along for his queer style! And then he tunes me that my purple shirt is gay!
I know it hit me hard, I mean Weasel saying I be gay, I had hit rock bottom! So I sought a second opinion from another stylish male, Martin!
He said it was borderline! He said it’s like having long hair! Et tu Brutus? I mean how is one to deal with all these betrayals?
Well here’s what I did, I told him to get a hair cut Brutus!
So until next I’ll be holding auditions for new friends and a new second mom! Just contact my secretary Cazzy!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Ferdi told me that Uli had called so I phoned her back and convinced her to come with us to Kahoonies to watch Chromium, Inersha etc. I couldn’t believe it. She was finally joining us! Ferdi, our ever faithful choffeur drove Uli and me to the gig. I was tempted to sit in the back seat with Uli to get the full taxi experience but Ferdi threatened to drive topless so I sat in front. We found the place in no time and met Martin, Berny and friends.
Almost immediately we introduced ourselves to the guys from Chromium. It didn’t take much for Jared, the lead singer, to realize who I was – all I had to mention was my blonde moment that I had when we were chatting last week and he immediately clicked. Lol.
Before we even got there I told Uli that I was just drinking coke that night, as I was still extremely hungover, but it felt very strange to ask for a coke so I ordered a Smirnoff Storm. After a few sips I felt my old self coming back from the dead – it’s true what they say: the only way to kill a hangover is to just carry on drinking!! And so I did. Oh dear me. I knew I was going to regret it.
We first watched some band, whose lead singer was getting very friendly with the pole on stage. Something tells me that he was a stripper in another lifetime. In the meantime I bought the Chromium CD from Jared and I also got their T-shirt from a cool guy called Wessel – the drummer’s brother. Shot dude.
Berny and I also negotiated with several band members as to who was getting whose picks/drumsticks. We found out that Adrian, the bassist, uses a pick, unlike Cavan from Inersha – Berny made sure I knew that, haha. She was supposed to get his pick, but since his was purple, and well, purple is MY favourite colour (it is, ok?), I ended up with it. Heh heh heh. He also gave me his Jagermeister cap – I will treasure it always. The guys were kind enough to pose for photos with us too – a lot of photos – I remember saying, whenever it was my turn to pose “Do me! Do me!” Hee hee.
Since these boys are from PE and well, PE is apparently a small town, I had to get my PE man in on the action. I phoned Matthew aka Vomitboy and got Matthew (from Chromium) to speak to Matthew. They don’t know each other, but they have mutual friends. See! I told you PE is a small town!
While fraternizing with some chicks in the toilets (I told them that Berny likes to touch. They looked scared), Berny and I got really bad news – Inersha was not playing that night. Oh well. I really wanted Uli to see them play. Guess we will have to go to another gig of theirs soon.
After Knave and Torment (more drumsticks!), Chromium finally came on and we stood right in front, as we promised. I don’t think I have ever ever headbanged as much as I did that night. But the aches and pains I got from that night were definitely worth it!! They kicked ass!!
After their performance I was reluctant to leave, as we were having such a good time. Berny and I were making asses of ourselves on the “dancefloor” and I even hugged Adrian, twice. Told him I like hugs. Since when? But I suppose, for him, I will allow that. Eventually the boys were getting restless, so we said goodbye and headed home, with Ferdi hitting the curb while trying to cut a corner. What an awesome night!
CD is awesome by the way! Buy it now!!!! (you can get it at www.rebelrock.co.za or at a music store near you!)
Friday, November 24, 2006
We went all out last night, decked in our kak school uniforms. Not even the rain could dampen our spirits (long live Jack Daniels). They put a huge marquee in the middle of the training centre grounds all decorated with pencils, crayons etc so we could draw on the tablecloths. Now that was fun. Although, whoever wrote my room number on it is gonna die a slow painful death. I could have sworn I saw a man in my room last night. I see a lot of dead people.
Anyway, a dutchie teacher even gave us a surprise quiz, which my team failed miserably – though I have to say that it was a tad biased…Nevertheless, it was still a good party, and I am afraid to admit – I fell and hurt myself again – but this time it was not my doing. One of the guys had thrown his whisky and soda on me so I retaliated with water. Not to be outdone, he pushed me over a chair and into a bush and dunked more whisky on me. I always wanted to smell like a drunk hobo. I walked away with a sore back and a few cuts on my hands.
The evening ended surprisingly quickly, and we were all tucked in bed by 1am. And that’s when the nightmares and strange apparitions in my room started to occur. I struggled to get up this morning, so by the time Karen and I were ready to leave, we realised that we missed breakfast by an hour. Bugger.
I hope I will be more lively by tonight. Im going to see Chromium and Inersha!! And some other cool bands. I am in desperate need of a miracle.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
So you see my problem here. I like to think that Im not that fat but it's been almost 10 years since I matriculated and there is no way I can fit into my school dress. Impossible. Unless I like the ripped look, which I dont. We were told to go buy new school uniforms at Pep so that we can afterwards donate it to charity. Great idea. Not only will I be doing something good in the end, but I just might be able to find a uniform that will fit me - I have seen some podgy school girls out there. heh heh heh.
I went to Pep yesterday and found F' all. Went to Jet, same story, but I managed to get a school shirt at least. This morning I decided to attempt Woolies and lo and behold I found a skirt that fits, BUT, and this is a big BUTT (heh heh), the skirt is miles too long. I never wore skirts below my knee when I was in school so why should I now? Im very tempted to shorten the hem and staple it together. I think I just might. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Or I could always go against the norm and do my own thing, maybe like a School of Rock uniform. Yeah, I like that idea. Will see when I get to the party. Its gonna be held at our training centre in Sandown and this year I will spend the night there so I can party till late. Yes, I know I still have to work tomorrow, but I hardly ever function properly on a Friday so what's the difference? My friend and I have booked ourselves a room and for some dumbass reason, it costs more than a normal hotel. Bloody hell. But I want to party, so Im paying. Its the least I can do.
So check you all tomorrow, with a babelaas (and hopefully no injuries...)
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
First of all there was “an incident” this weekend. In Paul Ince’s first game as a manager of Maccersfield Football Club! During yet another defeat balls started flying from all directions on to the field. On Monday morning they reported this and it seemed like just a normal incident of ball boys getting a tad over excited, but by lunchtime they had a lead! It seems that a fan had written into Sky News the previous Friday he said that something would happen this week at the game that would get him into the Sky Sports Hall of Fame! Ek se and so he did.
But it doesn’t end there, the geeks at Sky did some further investigating and found a forum where this dude made a call for fans of Maccersfield to arrive at the stadium with an assortment of balls to kick on the field from outside the stadium.
He tuned that his team had a problem scoring, that this was due to the lack of balls on the field and therefore that he would provide some extra balls for them! Sky News then asked people to write in and state what types of balls you can spot flying on to the field!
Then they also had a top ten funny moments for like the last ten years, heres the Fat Eyes pick:
1. This dude ran on to the field in full Man United kit to pose for the pre-match photo! (The same dude has also once come out to bat for England in a cricket match before!)
2. Then there was the incident in the hall way before the game where the Chelsea mascot (a little toddler) put his hand out for Steven Gerrard (Liverpool captain) to shake, but when he went to shake the lightie hand he pulled away leaving Gerrard hanging! Gerrard then gave the lightie a light smack on the cheek!
3. Then there was the time when in the act of making a save the keeper also took out two of his defenders, then an opposition player comes running and piles on them!
It seems then that the Bulls are in fact the biggest bunch of *)&(^)8800000%&^$$ #@^$%f*cking wankers on the planet!
This week they were calling for Jake Whites head! O yes lets do that, fire Jake so we can have a f*kken Blue Bull coach, watch the Boks go down the drain then!
This week was also a sad week as one of the greatest ever players, Puskas died! In his prime he was one of the best strikers ever and with Alfredo di Stefano they formed the greatest strike force Real Madrid has ever had, and will ever have! I guess in a way it’s best that they are both gone now so that they do not have to watch the current crop of Gallacticos “play” soccer! Unfortunately we aren’t all as lucky!
O and this weeks blonde moment goes to Berny who whilst supporting England in the rugby…
Well actually that’s it, she supported England!
Berny you are South African ek se!
V-dawg has now also come to grovel at my feet, he now admits that Maradona was great, like I always said! Word G!
On Sky News they also mentioned the worst soccer game ever, which was between Man United and Everton in which there was NO shots on target during the whole match! Man United won 1-0 via an own goal!Well not much has changed with the current crop at Man United it seems! In this weeks win at Sheffield Christiano Ronaldo some how managed to kick the ball over the bar from 2 meters in front of a empty goal after an excellent assist by Ryan Giggs! And just when we thought it was safe to look after Andy Cole left!
O and Cazzy has been missing from the Fat Eye for quite awhile, so: Token appearance for Cazzy!
And Weasel gets a special mention for Assists and assisted in the assist!
And always remember Bolton Wanderers is not a boy band (Cazzy Edit: Sorry Nicole, I had to mention this to Ferdi)
So until next week I leave you all on a sad note!
In Loving memory of Rudebox (16 November 2006 – 18 November 2006): a friend, a confident, a worm.
He was the best worm a guy could have! He came, he ate, he pooped, he stole my heart! I will miss you Rudebox!
Written by Ferdinova Sexyback Lachey, 21 November 2006
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I am not missing this for the world, not for all the pizzas that mommy could make in her entire lifetime, not even for Wentworth Miller (yikes!). Great line-up: Chromium, Inersha, Torment and Knave. Should be awesome. I have never been to Kahoonies before, but no matter, as long as the bands rock (which they do in any case), the venue is not important.
I will be buying the Chromium CD at the gig too (and I have been promised some drum sticks? Sorry Martin, but I cant help myself). Hope to see some of you nutters there!!
EDIT: register at www.demofilter.co.za and vote for Chromium's Set Me Free. Once a day. Thank you!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Yesterday we went to Lekotla in the Nelson Mandela's Square for Karen's birthday. Long liquid, very expensive lunch. We left the office earlier than we were supposed to, due to a power failure in town - try working in the dark - its just not fun. Leaving early proved to be futile as the person I was driving with got stopped by a merciless traffic cop, for talking on her cellphone. Never mind that she had both hands on the steering wheel and her phone was on loudspeaker, its still an offence to talk on your cellphone while driving. Its because she was driving a BMW, and is white. Enough said.
So 20 minutes and a R500 fine later, we drove off, making us very late for the lunch. Everyone was already there seated at the bar with their drinks. I quickly ordered and then we moved to the private dining room. I was a bit sceptical of the place - African cuisine, but ended up being surprised at how good the food was. Though I was careful to order a vegetarian wrap, I wasnt gonna chance the meat. I am VERY fussy.
I was forced to sit next to my former boss, whom I greatly dislike, but I turned my back to him most of the time and spoke to Karen instead. She is in much better spirits these days, which made me glad. It was a nice lunch, which ended abruptly just after 3, as everyone rushed to get out before the kak Sandton traffic got under way. It was nice to be home early and Im tempted to do the same today. I just might!
As there are more and more parties and lunches to attend this month, I wonder where I will fit in the rest of the work that I need to complete before the end of year blues kick in. I love this time of year, heh heh heh
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I went to get my refund this Saturday. Even if they do decide to come next year, I doubt I will repurchase a ticket. No matter what their reason for cancelling is, or no matter how much they promise to return in the future, when a band (any band) cancels, I lose interest. Sure, Nickelback is just a mediocre band to me, but even if say, Korn (god forbid) had to cancel out on us, I’d hate them forever. It’s just the way things are with me.
Due to the lack of decent International acts coming to South Africa, I try to see as many of them as possible, whether I really like them or not. Last one I went to see was the Violent Femmes – and they were awesome.
But at this rate, if these international bands keep cancelling (plus charging us astronomical entrance fees – ok, I know it’s not really the bands doing the charging here, but you get my meaning), then I think I am just going to stick with the local bands. In my opinion, SA bands have really really improved this past decade and can kick any one of the international bands’s asses right off the stage! So why bother with the rest?
Local is lekker, man!!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Well, postman Vomitboy has just done a little investigation and found out who this mysterious being is. He dug out this letter from our back garden:
When Scruffy and I first met nothing could tear us apart, he was my one and only. We used to take long walks in the city at night when everybody was asleep, we would crap on peoples lawns, go through peoples rubbish and eat used tampons, you know all the things dogs do in love. Nothing could tear us apart, until YOU came along!!! First it started with Scruffy becoming distant, I would ask him if he wanted to go though the rubbish and lick on a used condom but he would always say he was tired, it was even to much effort for him to smell my bumhole!!! That’s when I started to become suspicious. Then one day he said he was going to work late one night and that I should not wait up for him, so I decided to surprise him one night and bring dinner to him, I had spent 3 and a half hours slaving over the dustbin cooking up a storm, it was a delightful three course consisting of pigeon ala-king, cat shit stew and for desert it was a mix of chocolate sauce I scraped from the drain and the jelly I got from used toilet paper in the sewer. I really tried hard!!! As I got near the entrance that’s when I saw it, my world fell apart, there was scruffy being mounted by you!!!! Do not deny it Weasel I have it on camera!! Ever since then things have gone from bad to worse, we used to snuggle up in the kennel at night and watch 7de Laan and then after that he would make love to me like no other dog could. Now when we make love its more like we’re going through the motions. I miss the one I love, my life is not the same without him. So this is my warning to you Weasel: LEAVE SCRUFFY ALONE!!!!! Or I’ll tell your precious martypoo!! Oh yes don’t think I won’t what will he think!!!!
BACK OFF BITCH!!!
Lovies,hugs and kisses
Thank you, vomita!!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
What I do know is that our whole division is being split up, this time for certain. Which is sad, cause it was working so well. Last Thursday, my boss told me casually, while I was waiting for the lifts, that I was moving to the Sandton office with him, early in January. Well, that's nice. At least I finally know where I am going. And that means a whole lot more opportunities for me to further my career and learn more about the business. I honestly cant wait, and while I am sad to leave a lot of my colleagues behind, in the end I have to look after my own prospects.
My closest friend here at the bank is remaining behind. She phoned me in tears last Friday while I was at home. She really wanted to join us in Sandton, and that was where we all thought she was going to go, until someone intervened and changed her future. And the way they handled telling her was not right either, as she heard it through the grapevine before the bosses told her officially. Now that is nice.
But at the end of the day, we all have to look at the bright side of life. We still have our jobs - we may not all be going where we planned to go, but at least we have somewhere to go. Usually, in these cases where huge changes take place, a lot of retrenchments go with it, but we were lucky here, no one lost their job. We still had several resignations - but that was because many of them were uncertain about their jobs. I wish them all the best in their new jobs. Good for them.
The story may change tomorrow, as we have learnt these past few months. So until January, I am staying put, maybe throw out a few files here and there, and will pack my stuff on the very last day, cause "they" might just suddenly change their minds again, and make me stay.
I just have to keep this in mind: "where one door closes, another one opens". So true.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Personally, I can't wait for this. I have been looking forward to their new album for ages - and they owe me a set of drum sticks!! Haha. I have only been to the Horror Cafe once, and that was during the day, so I am hoping it's gonna rock - but I suppose, with a band like Pestroy, the venue is of little or no importance.
Apparently they are also giving away a guitar. Dont know much about guitars, but I have always wanted to learn how to play it. I tried a couple of years ago, and though I learnt quite fast, all I can manage is to play a few notes, very very slowly. Never too late to try again, I suppose!
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Soon I was engrossed in the story. Not really a new concept, I have seen it done before - how a guy completely takes his girlfriend for granted, then realises what he had when she dies in a car accident. So he gets another chance and relives the same day, and does things differently. By the end of the film, I was bawling my eyes out, pulling out tissues left, right and centre. What the hell???
I never cry during movies. Its just not on. I have a reputation to maintain, damnit!
Im going to punch stuff now. Toughen up. Yeah.
I say Rugby league is a lot tougher. When pushed in this game the correct response is to deck the oke and say it was self defense!
Also the Fat Eye forgot to mention last week how Cazzy made Ferdinova Sexyback wear a suit and tie when he drove her to the airport, it seems the Queen is getting a tad too demanding!
Apparently now on Andy Murray’s website he is asking for suggestions on what his next hairdo should be! Now at this point you are all wondering who the fuck is Andy Murray? Well who the fuck cares the dude is obliviously gay anyways! Who the fuck has a poll for his hair?
But it would seem he aint the only British sportsman’s who way too fucking much is made of! The Fat Eye checked this ad about the F1 season that has just finished. Shows all the highlights, Alonso’s great start to the season, Schumacher’s brave fight back, and then:
“HE’S DONE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
So I’m like whos done it?
“JENSON BUTTON WINS THE GRAND PRIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
O and I just love this one! The other day Cazzy phones me to fetch her at 16h00 from work (and yes she does speak like an army general)! So I says fuck you and told her that I took some cash out of her box!
So she says: “I thought you would so I left money in there!”
What kind of an idiot does that?
An update on the strife of the football manager cruelty league. It seems that after last weeks incident between Arsene Wenger and Alan Pardew protests rang out for managers rights! It is cruel and inhuman to require then to be forced to remain in their “technical areas” for the duration of the game. A spokesman for the league says that they will not rest until these “technical areas” are doubled in size!
The Fat Eye’s greatest fear has now indeed been realized, David Beckham is not a soccer player, he is a marketing ploy! It seems that the MLS in thinking of restructuring their whole league to allow teams to pay more wages to enable a team to buy David Beckham as he is an excellent marketing ploy!
And it seems that Uli just can’t get enough of the Fat Eye. This week she provides more gold, or should we say the blonde moment of the day, week, month and year! So the Nerf and the Basti were doing the rounds (farting), demonstrating some pretty kief maneuvers to get their fingers pulled.
Then it happened, it was a rainy night, Benji was sitting on Modman’s lap (what a slut),
Berny was wasted and Uli said:
“Is there like some kind of tendon in your finger that makes you fart if you pull it?”
This will now forever be remembered as “Uli’s pull my finger fiasco!”
And the award for the longest fart the Fat Eye has ever witnessed goes to our man Nerf-y-poo!
Until next week remember I aint afeared of no Uli!
Monday, November 13, 2006
Around the same time we arrived, the guys from Inersha got there as well and I met up with Kerran at the bar. Didnt even have to introduce myself, he knew me from our chats and Woodstock. Cool. Really friendly dude. Martin shook a very frightened (?) looking Fred's hand - he probably thought Martin was a stalker. I would think the same.
First band we saw that night was Rife. Not bad. In fact, quite good, so Berny and I organised with their drummer later on to drop off two CDs for us. Cant wait to listen to it. At the end of their performance he was our first victim, in that we very nicely asked him for his drum sticks. He looked reluctant to give it to us, or maybe it was just our impression, but nonetheless we got them. I then went up to Kerran and asked him if he could give us his after their performance. Of course, he agreed, with a smile.
Next up was Namuh, who we last saw at the Battle for Woodstock Final. By then Berny and I were on a Smirnoff Storm rampage (and one tequila) and rocked on in front. We then approached their drummer and walked away with his drum sticks as well. Two down, three to go. When Inersha came on I was ready for some serious headbanging, except that my hair kept getting in the way all the time so I kind of did a half job then - which still made my neck hurt like hell in the end. I know I always say this, but THIS has to be their best performance yet. I enjoyed it so much! And of course, at the end, Kerran came over to the edge of the stage and handed over his drum sticks to me. I was so chuffed with myself.
We then watched Knave - apparently their lead singer was the one who got married. He had a cool top hat and walking stick which Martin kept eyeing enviously. I swear, I sometimes worry about that child. The band was cool too, the bride even came on stage and threw her bouquet from the stage. And dont forget the garter! Oh, and we got their drummer's sticks as well. Heheh. I recognised him from his days in Track 4, and told him so.
Berny and I had a very drunken chat with Kerran and the drummer from Rife. Cant remember much of what was said but it was cool chatting with them. We promise that next time my parents are out of town and we have a party, you will be invited too! The band that surprised me (though not so much cause Ferdi had told me earlier that they rocked) was Chromium. By then I was quite hyped up and managed to dodge the moshers several times. These guys were awesome!!! I have to catch them at their next gig. Plus they have great taste in music! And yes, we got their drummer's sticks as well. So that five in total.
We would have gotten Pestroy's as well, but the boys were tired so we left before they even got on stage. After Chromium, Berny and I were sitting under the stage, watching Pestroy get ready. I got into a convo with Gump about next week's album launch and then called Dylan the drummer over who agreed to give me his drum sticks after the show. Pity we left then.
When I got home I immediately regretted all those Storms (especially since I had to get up in less than 5 hours to go to the airport to meet my folks!). I got ready for bed in slow motion and then realised I was thirsty so I went down to the kitchen - and fell down the stairs. I made a huge noise but luckily Ferdi and Weasel were already sleeping and they didnt seem too bothered to check what happened. So I quickly got up, laughed, surveyed the damage (nothing) and went to the kitchen.
Next morning it took me a while to figure out why I had a sore butt. Nevertheless, I wasnt a happy chappy, being hungover sucks. Never a dull moment with me.
Yes, folks, Friday night’s “Last Braai” was the best jnf get-together we have had yet. I took the day off to do some random cleaning around the house since the maid was busy next door at my aunt’s place. The “cleaning” started later than scheduled as I decided to sleep in (after Zambia, I needed it). Ferdi made sure I knew that he was disgusted with my late appearance downstairs as he had already “had breakfast, let the maid in, gone for an interview and phoned another company”. In other news, our fat boy got a job with a law firm. He is starting in December, provided he actually passes his exams. Well done, fatso, I think.
Anyway, back to my story. By the time I got up and had breakfast, it was almost lunch time. So I got started on Ferdi’s lunch (pancakes) a bit later than he anticipated. I mopped, I washed, I cleaned, I was buggered. And the weather didn’t look too promising. Why oh why did it have to rain on this day?
I must have took out the camping chairs about 3 times before people arrived, and Ferdi must have brought them back in about 4 times (he also let me know about this). But at least we had a back-up plan, if it rained, we were moving the braai to Shawn’s place.
The rain looked more and more threatening so eventually we all drove the long 4 blocks to Shawn’s place. Marbro and Ferdi directed Nerf, Gol and co, topless. Enough said.
We had such good laughs, I even produced Robbie the Seal, rather reluctantly, but it was all good, though Weasel almost burnt the house down. I even got a cool demo CD, signed with an individual message (mine said “ponies are pretty) from Dylan – his band is Aion Truth. Thanks soooo much dude!!!
What else did we do? Memory is fuzzy but I remember a lot of bellies and boobies been drawn on, Benji (the dog with the evil eye) giving several people lapdances, um ja, lots happened, nevertheless, the alcohol flowed and smiles were all around. Even though this was called “The Last Braai” I hope there will be many more to come!!
So off we go. Ferdi drove Uncle Ronnie’s car and I went with Weasel, who according to Ferdi, drives like a grandma. Once we got to the airport (in record time, imo), Weasel dropped me off by the terminal while they went to park the cars. I had no clue where my parents were, and there was no information about their flight on the notice boards. So I went to the info desk. They told me they should be coming out of terminal A2. So off I go. I waited a total of 5 seconds when the doors opened, out came Auntie Wilma and Uncle Ronnie, closely followed by mommy and daddy. We made it in the nick of time!! Woohooo!!
After many hugs and kisses we walked to the cars. Daddy was miles behind us as he struggled with his weak knee. Shame, looks like he will have to go for an op soon. This time I went with Ferdi and uncle Ronnie, Weasel took the “heavy” luggage and passengers. Golden moment of the morning: at the robot on Beyers Naude, Ronnie rolls down his window and shouts at Weasel “you drive so slow, you asshole”. I almost pissed myself. I missed Ronnie.
Mom did a quick inspection of the house and was much impressed, especially with how “green and bushy” her garden was looking. I was chuffed. While the folks unpacked and handed us some pressies (mostly sweets, much to Ferdi’s delight) I snoozed on the couch and then got ready for church – first time in ages that I went! But that was wasted on me as I fell asleep during the sermon. We then had a quick braai to welcome the old people back and most retired to bed soon after, never to be seen again until this morning. I even got some shut eye that afternoon, well, after the weekend’s events, it was much needed – more on that later!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
One of my uncles e-mailed me this week with instructions from my dad. We must be at the airport on Sunday, 7 am sharp (as if we dont already know this) with THREE, yes three cars. Not two, like we planned. So we might have to ask Shawn for help here. Apparently, the four of them (my aunt and uncle included) have bought so much stuff (probably junk, but Im hoping for lots of presents) that we need a lot of space for their luggage - customs is gonna have a field day with them. Not only that, they have also put on a lot of weight. The buggers. I would kill for a juicy Argentinean asado (that's a braai for you Afrikaaners, though ours is 10x better) right now!!!
I have to admit that I miss the old geezers and you'd think that they'd miss us but nooooo. Everytime I get an email from one of my relatives, giving us news from the folks, all they ask is "is the house still standing?" No, how is Cazzy doing, her brothers treating her alright? Is Ferdi crying for his mommy? Has Weasel taken to the bottle? They dont care about us. Sniff.
Word on the streets in Buenos Aires is that my dad has been out shopping for Gaucho pants. Weasel says "is this the crap that Dad is wasting my money on?" Haha. If you dont know what Im talking about, check the pic below. The pants are hideous! This is what the Argentinean cattle farmers wear. And now my dad is gonna be strutting around in these? Knowing my dad, he is gonna wear them when we fetch him from the airport. I think I am putting myself up for adoption.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Here I am, sitting at my desk, holding 4 tickets for tonight's festival and I do not know what to do with them! I am trembling at the possible thought of giving them away, but that is what I might have to do in the end.
Ladies and germs, the world, as we know it, is about to end. You have been warned.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Eventually Ferdinova admitted defeat and took the ladies back to Berny se boss! But alas they followed me home, as they had misplaced half of their possessions! Once they had retrieved their possessions, discovered the whereabouts of the rest, and finished torturing Weasel they left! Or at least tried to! I am still wondering how the bakkie got itself out the gate, because there is no way Daisy could not have reversed out by herself! I guess that’s what happens when Adminmodman isn’t around, the circle just wasn’t complete, and Berny didn’t have anyone to look after her!
So I am glad to say then that Weasel is still alive, the gate is still standing, and Berny no longer wants to have another drink as long as she lives until next weekend! Yip alls good in the hood. Saturday was then spent with me and Vomit filling in the blanks for Berny which was kinda funny as she started having flashbacks. And she found bruises, (self inflicted) which was me by the way, but I’ll never admit it to anyone – Berny edit!
But let’s get back to the sport, this week also marks 20 years of Sir Alex in charge at the Greatest team in the world Manchester United! (Not Arsenal or Chelski for that matter!) And boy o boy did Man U celebrate in style! The boys capped yet another classic performance and they stay on top for another week! Especially as both ARSenal and Chelsea got beaten like hookers this weekend! So much so that Aresen Wenger decided to try and beat up Alan Pardew after West Ham took the lead late in the game! Hee hee looks like Arsenal’s title challenge is over!
This week also saw the start of the international rugby season with a draw, which Berny said sucks and thanks to her I didn’t have to sit through the torture! Instead we watched Justine on the MTV Awards! But all in all this was a good weekend, Man United going strong, Aussies sucking dick and the poms getting slaughtered by New Zealand, lifes great.
As you all know by now as well Cazzy went to Zimbabwe or some shit this weekend. So on Thursday I took her to the airport and she bought me coffee and a muffin! (Due to security reasons I cannot mention the name of the “restaurant”!) And as she departed I gave her a hug, she then started to cry! Poor child! Or Granny more like it!
So alas we went to fetch her and the bitch didn’t bring me any presents, and she made us wait like an hour (cause Berny rushed us!). Weasely was saying we could just as well forget to fetch her, we could fetch her when we fetch mommy next week! But a reliable source told me that the airport is in fact a large potatoe chip! Now I just have to go and see it for myself! O boy I can’t wait! For some reason however I get the feeling that I am one really big sucker!
The Fat Eye is no stranger to fan mail (thanks Vomit for the nudie pics)! But the other day a threat of life was made (He got some hate mail the Fat Eye is a stranger to this). Uli emailed me and said she would get me back for last weeks edition when I least expect it! Well ek se bring it on! So until next week, stay sober!
Getting up on this Sunday morning was more difficult than ever. Not only was I exhausted, sore, and hungover, but I hardly managed to fall asleep as my bladder kept me up all night. Note to self: dont drink 4 bottles of water before you go to bed.
I showered, got dressed and went on with the horrible task of packing all my stuff. Then I made the slow walk to breakfast. It was no surprise that I was hungry, since I had lost my breakfast AND dinner, but nevertheless the food was hard to swallow due to the hangover. There was no time for much else, so I went back to my room to grab my handbag and proceeded to check out at reception. Most of the crowd was already gathered there, waiting for their transfers to the airport. It was sad to say goodbye to some of the people. I probably wont see a lot of them until next year - if we have another weekend away, that is.
As luck would have it, Karen and I were on the last flight back to JHB so that we could make sure that everyone else made it safely back. So we were the last to leave the hotel, just after 12. I was tired, hungry and more cranky than ever. At the airport, most of our pepple were still there waiting for their flight, so that meant even more waiting for us. After their plane took off, we waited for about another 30 minutes till we finally left Zambian soil. Again, the flight was quick, though I managed to get about 15 minutes' shut eye. Not enough, but definitely more than welcome!
At JHB, we had to go through another round of waiting - this time for our luggage. It took almost an hour for me to get my bag - probably cause the crew was busy having a good time going through all the luggage, looking at what they could steal. Luckily, my bag came in one piece. So I said my final farewells to the people that were still lurking around, and went out to meet Berny, Ferdi and Weasel. But there were too many people, and I could not see them. I knew they were hiding, trying to worry me, so I waited till they found me.
I had a craving for waffles, since my boss had them for breakfast that morning, so I treated the kids to some ice cream/milkshakes/waffles for me, at Milky Lane. I was slowly dozing off, and was dreading having to unpack before I finally got into my comfy bed. Eventually I got that all done, and went off to la-la land.
This was definitely a weekend to remember! And one that I am still struggling to recover from!
Monday, November 06, 2006
At 10h00 several of us were picked up by a bus that was taking us to our helicopter ride. We had several choices as to what activities we could do: river rafting, abseiling, bungee jumping, gorge swing, massages etc. I had done river rafting and abseiling before, massages are boring, and there is no way in hell I was gonna bungee jump, so I opted to go on the helicopter. Biggest mistake of my life. It was all fine and dandy in the beginning. I got to sit in front, next to the pilot and took some amazing pictures and video clips (one of them being the one I posted yesterday, of the falls). But soon, motion sickness started to kick in as the helicopter moved in sudden movements. I counted down the minutes till we landed, and prayed that I could hold on to my breakfast. Those 15 minutes seemed like 15 hours. As soon as we landed, I ran past everyone, to the toilets and spewed my guts out. What a kak feeling.
We went back to the hotel, feeling like crap, and thinking “could I be feeling any worse right now?” The weather was as hot as ever, but I had no energy to change into my bikini so I opted to sip coke by the pool. I managed to get some lunch (and keep it down) and then took a quick nap. It didn’t do much good because just as I was dozing off, Karen and I were summoned by a colleague to her room, to count last night’s votes for the best dressed awards. We knew who the winners were (the 4 old geezers from my team) but she wanted to count the votes anyway.
After that we got ready for our sunset cruise on the “African Queen” on the Zambezi river. It turned out to be quite boring, and long, even though there was plenty of booze to keep me entertained. In fact, I was quite cranky for not getting enough sleep, and told several people (including my boss), to “los my uit”. I later apologised but it was brushed off, and was rather teased for “dragging my lip across the Zambezi”.
Back at the hotel we had dinner, which I again lost, due to too much Jack (*blush*). As tradition goes, Saturday’s party was mellow as we all overdid it the night before, but I still managed to party till midnight, with lots of water and panados (which later kept me up all night!). I was escorted to my room by my friend, only to find that I couldn’t get into my room. I knocked on the door several times until a sleepy Karen opened up for me, and dragged myself off to bed. What a day!
Day two in Zambia began earlier than I wanted it to, after all the jolling the night before. We had to get up early for a meeting with hotel management - to prepare the night's big event. Breakfast was just as delicious as dinner, always a buffet. There was so much to choose from that I didnt know where to begin.
I said to Karen, "these hotel guests better make the most of the peace and quiet now, cause it's gonna end soon!"There was still plenty of time till our hooligans arrived so we passed the time by the pool, tanning and swimming, trying to cool ourselves from the heat. I soon went from red to brown, much to my delight. The water in the pool was a welcome relief. I spent most of the morning and afternoon in there, even though my skin was wrinkly. Karen and I had planned to change before everyone arrived - god forbid they saw me in my bikini!! - but I just never got round to do that, the pool was too nice. So what if they all saw me half naked???
The first group arrived just after one in the afternoon. I saw one of my friends so there I go, out of the pool, run towards her and give her a nice big wet hug. Hahaha. They checked into their rooms and joined us by the pool. It was actually quite nice, all of us hanging out (unless I count all the times I was dunked in the pool). And all it took was five minutes before my boss and co got moaned at by the (very hot and sexy) hotel manager for drinking beer in the pool - if they broke a glass in the pool, there'd be chaos. They were moaned at 4 times before they finally got the message. My boss, as usual, had to embarrass me by saying that I looked cute with freckles on my face (first time he has seen me without make-up).
The other two groups arrived soon after, and after several hours in the pool, we all got ready for dinner and the big party. The theme for the evening was sports, so we had to dress up as a sportsperson. Karen and I went against the usual, and dressed up as cowgirl cheerleaders (not the Blue Bulls ones!!). We got several nods and whistles of approval. Heh heh.
I didnt eat much as I was too hyper and excited about the party. Even though our drinks took forever to get to us (a lot of people sobered up quickly while waiting), I had a good time, on the dancefloor and outside by the bar. I put on my party tshirt (see pic above) that a colleague bought for me and became the life and soul of the party. The DJ just knew exactly what to play to keep us entertained.
It was nice to get reacquainted with some of my fellow colleagues from P.E., Cape Town and Durban. As the night progressed we moved to the pool to get over the heat, many people were already in, clothes and all. I then saw the perfect opportunity to cause some trouble, which turned out to be a career-limiting move: I pushed my boss into the pool. Wish I had known that he was also wearing his R1700 brand new Oasics takkies. He got out, picked me up from the ground, and threw me in (luckily I removed my boots earlier). I must still find out who was the dumbass that ratted me out cause it was so dark out there he couldnt have seen who pushed him in.
I got bored swimming up and down, so a friend and I went to my room for some Jack Daniels(I had my own stash). He poured us a few shots and then I was finished. No more for me, thanks. Then there was a knock on the door, I ran to open it, slipped (the floor was slippery, ok?), and cut my arm with the metal dustbin. There was blood everywhere. My friend was beside himself trying to get the bleeding to stop - in fact, he was more worried than I was. I opened the door, and there was Karen, looking at me, on the floor, with blood spattered on the walls. It must have been quite a sight. No kidding.
They rushed me to first aid and got me cleaned up. I should have gone for stitches but I couldnt have cared less - Im getting too used to all these cuts, happening way too often - should be worried, hey? When that was done I was told that the party had ended cause it had started to rain. Who would have thought. We met one of the other guys on the way so us four went back to my room for some dodgy coffee (the guys put Jack in it), light conversation and then off to bed.
And that is day two. Watch this space for more...
Karen, our p.a., and I went a day early to make sure everything was ready for us. We flew via nationwide, had to wait for over half an hour to board the plane and eventually we were all set for our little African adventure. The flight was surprisingly short, quicker than flying to Cape Town actually. As soon as we stepped on Zambian soil, we were hit with a shocking heat wave. It was 42 degrees!! After going through the tiny airport, we were met by our transfer people and were driven to our hotel, the Zambezi Sun. What a beautiful place. Its quite a contrast to the poor town, but that is to be expected.
We checked into our room (we had a double bed each) and unpacked, we walked to the falls. The view is much better from the Zimbabwe side but it was just too hot and unbearable to walk all the way there, plus not so safe for two girls on their own. After half an hour's walk, we were completely drenched in sweat so we dashed back to our room for a cool shower. We then had cocktails by the pool. This is when we realised that Zambians work according to "African Time". They dont seem to be too phased with speed as they took their sweet time to prepare our cocktails. Thirty minutes to be exact.
Dinner was scrumptious, a super buffet meal that would make Ferdi green with envy. We ordered a bottle of wine to go with it though we soon regretted it as we realised it was making us sleepy! After we finished we went and sat by the pool bar till the early hours, mingling with the foreigners. It was still incredibly hot, not a single breeze to cool us down. Eventually we retreated to our cool airconditioned rooms for a snooze.
And so this is the end of day one of my Zambian adventure. Stay tuned for day 2, 3 and 4.