Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Beware of this animal

Read below for an explanation. Thank you.

The truth about Ferdi

It's time for me to speak out to the nation about something that is very close to my heart (I have a heart, damnit!). I can no longer be silent. You see, over the past few weeks, Ferdi has been spreading nasty rumours about me and Berny. Rumours about us being abusive towards him. At this rate, I am expecting a call from child services. So this cannot go on. The lies stop here. Right now. Time to come clean.

What am I talking about, you ask? Let me go back to a few previous "Fat Eyes" so that I can refresh your memories. Here are a few quotes:

Ferdi (Sexyback Federline Lachey): I have been recently been exposed to various forms of domestic violence and substance abuse over the last few weeks, and whilst M-unit successfully helped Weasel in his substance abuse issues, the domestic violence is still raging on! Now I can’t stress enough how disgusting it is that a person who feels so weak inside that that person feels the need to beat on someone weaker than them! It is wrong and no person should ever do that! I post this with great fear, but it must be done I cannot stay quite anymore ,Berny, Caz stop hitting me!

Lies! I have seen him hitting himself, taking pics of his permanent red cheeks and showing everyone, saying I did the deed.

Ferdi (Lachey): Also in this regard an update on Berny’s abusiveness! So on Saturday she confronted me bout last weeks Fat Eye! She said she don’t have an abusive bone in her body, then right in front of Weasel in the middle on Makro she threatened to punch me if I ever mentioned this again! So for the last time this is Ferdinova Sexyback not lachey reporting for FatNN news!

Again. Lies. An alcoholic like Weasel cannot be trusted as a reliable witness.

Ferdi (Fat-Fed): she (Berny) has now started to use technological advancements to facilitate her abusiveness! The other day she hit me over the phone, see she phoned me and told me there were CHIPS in the kitchen knowing full well that I would climb the wall to get to them and scratch my arm in the process!

Another batch of lies. The idiot fell all on his own. Berny cannot be blamed for this. In fact, if anyone is abusive here, it is Ferdi!! Not only did he throw Berny with a chip (Berny's words, hahaha), he drove into her with his car! If that is not abuse, then I dont know what is!!!

And no matter what he says, I have never laid a finger on him. I have never punched his belly or pinched his boobs. Never. Berny will vouch for me.

Ferdi, you are going to hell for this.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition Six

I am glad to report that I am still alive; Berny hasn’t killed me, yet! But let’s move on, I feel I have pushed my luck as far as I am willing to go! Duffman! But then again she has now started to use technological advancements to facilitate her abusiveness! The other day she hit me over the phone, see she phoned me and told me there were CHIPS in the kitchen knowing full well that I would climb the wall to get to them and scratch my arm in the process!

And it doesn’t end there, cazzy as well now! She is slowly moving on to that “better” place! So her arm was sore and I had to help her tie her hair up last night, it was fun! But this morning she threatened to hit me with her good arm! (I don’t know how many she has!)

First and foremost I would like to welcome back Wayne ROOONEY! Hell ya what a guy! I swears if I was a bit younger, and he a bit taller (according to Uli he is short!)... I guess they just don’t have players like Rooney in London! What with Arsenal dropping points again (BURN!); and Chelsea still not able to even come close to matching Man Utd in the goal scoring stakes! Yip life’s good! The cricketers are winning, the boks are playing again soon and Man Utd is kicking ass! What more could a girl ask for?

As seen above Uli has made her first ever appearance on the Fat Eye, as far as I’m aware! So lets all give a good old round of applause! But it doesn’t end there! Apparently, my sources tell me, Uli whilst trying to seen how tall, and sexy, Wayne Rooney actually is asked $#%@^&! – For security reasons Weasel’s name has been covered so that Uli doesn’t beat his ass – so she asked does: “Who is that - Ricardo? O no I mean Ronaldo. But? Oh no wait, hold on - they have to play for their own countries at the World Cup don’t they?”

Yip it’s true Basti has been neglecting his duties! But never fear Ferdinova Sexyback Messi is here to save the day! I shall not rest till every lady and Modman knows exactly who, where, when, why and how about sport! Till em ABC’s and XYZ’s are distinguished! Ferdinova Sexyback Messi fighting for truth and justice! A vote for Ferdinova Sexyback Messi is a vote for democracy!

On Saturday we also saw Will Ferrell’s new movie! His all man and way sexier than Colin! The movie being all bout sports and manly men, it just had to get a mention here in the Fat Eye. I thought that movie was purely genius! The lighting, camera angles, editing, sound were all there! I mean this was truly a work of art! Well I wouldn’t be surprised if it were nominated for an Oscar! We then also saw this rather dykey film, The Descent! And after Weasel crapped himself we decided to leave! Them ladies were far to butch for any of us to really enjoy the movie!

Yip alls good in the hood! So until next week stay beautiful San Diego!

Disclaimer: The CaZ takes no responsibility for the above. If you cannot make sense of what was said here, you are not alone. Maybe its the drugs talking here, but Im confused. Still funny though. Thanks Fat Eye.

Another Weekend, Another Piss-Up

Friday’s plans to braai at my place were completely thwarted by the sudden unexpected (but badly needed) rain. It also almost destroyed my newly highlighted and cut hair (but no one really cares). It came in buckets, so, like wet rabbits, we went to Panarottis instead. Like Weasel said: 4 adults, and three very big children (Martin, Ferdi and Basti). All the restaurants in the centre were packed with people, so we were lucky to get a table.

We bravely moved the braai to Saturday. Weasel and I went to a church committee meeting in the afternoon (we are already planning next year’s Spring Festival), and then went to do all the necessary shopping. Let me add here that I hate to shop for food, especially at Fruit & Veg – people just don’t know how to walk there!!!

I kept on looking up at the skies for any sign of rain. It looked like this time, God was on our side. We had quite a nice meal, this time I didn’t cut any of my fingers, limbs etc, and had a decent amount of alcohol in our system. All went well, till Berny spoilt it by saying that one day I would make a good housewife (I had washed all the dishes and cleaned up soon after we ate). That was enough to drive me to the nuthouse. Me? A housewife?

Since it looked like it was definitely not going to rain, and were done with supper early, we went to the drive-in. It has been a while. Armed with more booze and snacks, we set up our camping chairs in front of Weasel’s car and got ready to watch Will Ferrell’s new movie, “Talladega Nights: The Legend of Ricky Bobby”. Berny missed the first five minutes of the movie and when I was beginning to wonder where she had got to, she came running back, and told us that she found R400 in the girls’ toilets. I would have kept it, but honest as she is, she handed it in at the manager’s office. No one did claim it in the end, so when she asked if she could keep it, the manager gave her some kak, nonsense excuse about having to deposit it in a bank account???

To make matters worse, the power went out several times while we were trying to watch the movies. It happened twice during the first movie, during which 80% of the cars just had to start hooting, just in case the drive-in employees were sleeping and didn’t have a clue that the whole place was in darkness. Luckily we got to watch the first movie, but we weren’t so lucky with the second. It was called “The Descent” – never heard of it, much less the actresses that were in it. It was quite boring to begin with, but just when it started to get mildly interesting (a weird looking Gollum like creature appears in the cave, suddenly out of nowhere), I jump up, and the lights go out AGAIN. Perfect moment but the power never came back on, at least, we don’t think so. We waited about 15 minutes, then gave up, packed everything and went home. Now I have to know what happens in that movie, damnit.

The jinx carried on yesterday when I decided to do the laundry. True as bob, it started to rain again, after I had just hung out the clothes to dry. Then a sharp pain started to spread from my left shoulder to the rest of my arm. It is so painful that I cannot use my arm. I struggled not to scream out loud while getting dressed this morning. Can anything else go wrong this week? Or is this asking for trouble?

Friday, October 27, 2006

Winex 2006

I went to Winex at the Sandton Convention Centre last night, with Ferdi, Weasel, Berny, Uli, Ingrid and Sonja. Since I work for FNB, and soon will be working for RMB, I managed to score some free tickets, for the third year running. Aren't I a lucky brat. We decided to make a late entrance, so as not to overdue the wine tasting thing, plus after a while it just gets a tad too much walking around in circles from stand to stand.

At first we were a bit shy in approaching a stall. I quickly reminded everyone that we shouldn't feel guilty about asking to sample a wine, since this is what we were specifically here for!! So I picked the first stand, which was called Mooiplaas, and was attended by a South African actress (according to Berny, she has appeared in Egoli and Sewende Laan). Just dont ask me what her name was cause I cant remember. We tried some white Sauvignon, which was a bit dry. I prefer semi-sweet wines, but my pallet soon became accustomed to the dry wines that I got to sample - there were more dry wines on show than semi-sweet. Sheesh, dont I sound like the wine connoisseur!! To be honest, I dont know my cabernet from my chardonnay, but I am starting to see the differences in them.

I looked round and round for Schalk Burger's daddy's stand but the more I looked, the dizzier I got. In the end I never did find it, but at least I tried their wines last year. The best wine of the night for me was one from a wine farm called "Landzicht" (Ferdi affectionally referred to it as Landshit), which is situated in Jacobsdal, near Kimberley. Very good semi-sweet wine, Blumchen (cant believe I remember it, Ingrid!). Another was Slowine (where do these guys get their names?), which is a Paul Cluver, Villiersdorp Co-op, Beaumont and Luddite Collaboration. The poor chap was happy to let us sample some wine and looked at Ferdi incredulously as he photographed his three stone tortoises on display. Haha.

My girls and I (aka the sisterhood) flirted shamelessly with the guy from KWV, who gave us some tips on how to sound like wine experts. It worked, and he also filled our glasses almost to the brim.

We ended the evening at McDonalds in Sandton - we realised how hungry we were! We sat outside near a guy who was playing with his laptop. Much to his amusement and laughter, we provided some light entertainment by singing out loud to the songs on our cellphones. Yes, we were pissed. But happy.

Now I have a moerse hangover. Thank god it's Friday.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Top 10 Lists

Rob at www.iscatterlings.com has given me an idea - a top 10 list of lists!!! I am a compulsive lister, I tend to list just about everything, from a list of things to do, right down to a list of what not to do!!! If it wasn't for my lists, I'd probably forget half the things I have to accomplish in my day to day life. And I get this wonderful sense of satisfaction, when I can cross off an item off my list and say "Mission Accomplished". Aaaah.

So here is my top 10 lists:

1. Top 10 To Do List
2. Top 10 Movies to Watch on DSTV (I actually keep a daily record of movies I have watched, and note the date and time of movies I must not miss!! How obsessive is that?)
3. Top 10 Things To Buy, That I Don't Necessarily Need
4. Top 10 Groceries To Buy (I actually wish my parents were back already! I hate shopping for food!)
5. Top 10 DVDs To Buy (this has become an obsession too)
6. Top 10 Books To Read
7. Top 10 Hunks That I Have To Meet
8. Top 10 Places To Visit
9. Top 10 Cocktails To Attempt To Make
10. Top 10 People I Absolutely Have To KILL!!!

So there you have it, and there are many more where these came from!!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Working late

For the first time in months, I am sitting here in the office till late. Work is finally complete and up to date, but I have to wait for Weasel to pick me up. Why, you ask? Two reasons, actually three.
1. Ferdi is getting pissed at his law party (though I don't know just how pissed law students can get. Most, according to Ferdi, seem to be a drag).
2. My alternative lift, is at home sick, nursing an outbreak in her household.
3. Weasel works in Sandton, so to avoid traffic, he is leaving his office at 6.

So here I sit. And I sit. To pass the time I am writing nonsense, and loading more songs on my I-pod. Though I just realised that I have already downloaded most of the CDs that I brought with today. You dont have to say it, I know I am a dumbass.

The office is dead quiet. Im starting to hear strange noises. Besides me, there are only two other sad people working tonight. One is a single gal who tries to impress the boss by working late every night (even though her boss is long gone and thus cannot witness this amazing commitment) and the other is a man trying to avoid his boring marriage. How sad. At least I am here cause I have no choice, and I dont do it often.

I dont know what else to do now. Still have about an hour to go. JNF is quiet, the office is scary, maybe I should play a game. Yeah, that's what I will do. Cheerio!


I have just got bad news from iNeRsHa's drummer that this Saturday's gig, at the Rand Airport has been cancelled. Damnit!!! Not their fault, but I was so looking forward to this Halloween bash! Some of my other fave bands were also gonna be there, like 16Stitch, Wickhead and the Narrow!!! That would have been an awesome line-up!!!

Now I will have to drown my sorrows at home, and wait patiently for their next gig. Sniff. Snot en trane. This day is just getting worse and worse.

Not only that, I also have to work late tonight.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Woe is me

I just had a re-assessment done at the gym. My last one was in January this year, and while there has been some notable improvement in my stability and strength, my back is still seriously screwed up. I have been suffering from scoliosis for over 10 years now - it's the curvature of the spine, either in an S-shape, or C-shape. Mine is an S-shape, I think, which is the worst kind, and EXTREMELY painful. Throughout the years, my spine has curved more and more towards the left side. Thankfully, most people dont notice it until I point it out to them, and even then, most look at me as if I'm nuts, but maybe they are just been polite?

Due to this curvature, my back pain ebbs and flows. Sometimes it gets so unbearable that I cannot walk. Hence me trying to put it all right at the gym. Unfortunately, I have to continue with my exercises, religiously, for the rest of my life - that's if I want to get rid of this back pain. And it will take years to see just a millimetre of movement in my spine. So chances are, that my back will never correct itself 100%. That's something I now have to live with.

Had I worn a back brace in my teens when this was first spotted, maybe I wouldnt have to go through all this now. But I refused to wear it - have you seen how hideous those braces are? Now I regret it, deeply, but it's a little too late. I must now become best friends with my pilates ball and stretch the hell out of my limbs. Forever, and ever.

I have booked several sessions with my instructor over the next few weeks, and have vowed to never miss another pilates class again. Let's see how long that lasts. I always start out with lots of enthusiasm and commitment, until I get bored again. I need help!!!

Monday, October 23, 2006

Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition Five

Yesterday marked the end of Micheal Shumacher’s career. Wow it’s actually over, for like 10 years I’ve been waiting for the f*cker to retire and now I’m kinda sad! (Cazzy Edit: Who cares! He is finally out of F1!!) For the first time ever I was actually supporting the german! And now that Raikkonen has been named as his replacement we could have the unlikely situation of me “supporting” Ferrari next season and Weasel “supporting” Mclaren!

Now that’s saying something, if nothing at all!

Then how do I say this without offending anyone? O wait I’m Ferdinova, so I don’t care! MAN UTD ARE STILL ON TOP, ARSENAL AND CHELSEA SUCK BALLS! It was really a heck of a game Paul Scholes scoring on his 500 appearance for the club! What a guy!

And lastly I have an important announcement to make:
Berny gave me a good game!
Berny het my a goed speel gegee!
Berny me dio un buen partido! (Cazzy Edit: Impressive Spanish!!)

Also in this regard an update on Berny’s abusiveness! So on Saturday she confronted me bout last weeks Fat Eye! She said she don’t have an abusive bone in her body, then right in front of Weasel in the middle of Makro she threatened to punch me if I ever mentioned this again! So for the last time this is Ferdinova Sexyback not Lachey reporting for FatNN news!

Ay caramba, it's burrito time!!

To carry on with the tradition of having a weekly party/intervention at our place, we decided to have a burrito and tequila fiesta last Saturday. I was very close to cancelling cause I was a bit under the weather, and not in the mood to cook. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of sampling some tequila. It turned out to be a very dodgy tequila that Weasel bought cheap cheap last year. Needless to say, most of us used it to water the plants in the garden, cause they looked thirsty.

Uli and I gathered in the kitchen to prepare the burritos. We did more talking than cooking until the Ferdi ordered us to get a move on. As if I am gonna listen!! But I was hungry, my taste buds were going bananas so I rolled out the dough chop chop while Uli cooked them on the pan. I put together some mince with onions and mexican style tomatoes, Uli grated some cheese and we were soon all set. Jamie Oliver, watch out!!

I must say that I was very impressed with the results. Nothing was left in the end. I even made some soggy nachos (ok, I put some chips in the microwave with cheese and tomatoes) as a starter. All we needed was some decent tequila and some sombreros to complete the Mexican theme - will remember that for next time. I ended the evening by almost falling asleep on my camping chair. It's hard work, being in the kitchen! How the hell did I ever get that right?

Friday, October 20, 2006

I would like to thank...six of nine!!

I was thinking last night about how, just by meeting six of nine (check them out on www.sixofnine.com ), it led to a huge chain of events. It all started 2 years ago, sometime in April, I think, memory is fuzzy. Ferdi told me about this awesome band called six of nine from Cape Town, and that they were to JHB to play at Roxys. I listened to one of their songs, Close to Me, and I was hooked. So I went with Ferdi and Weasel to check out this band, on a cold Tuesday night, at Roxys. That night I was only introduced to then guitarist, Dave. I remember thinking, cool oke. The band rocked and so they had won another fan, me.

I soon joined their chat forum, first one I ever joined, and had a few laughs with the members. At Woodstock 6 Ferdi and I hooked up with the band again, watched them on stage then hung out with them for a bit. Geoff thought I was a crazy drunk. He wasn't too far off. On the chat site, I got to know Phatfoo as well, aka Jeremy Nell of Urban Trash fame. In no time, he invited me to his chat site, jnf, where Ferdi was already a member, which he failed to tell me about!

I got hooked on it too, spent more time on it than on actual work. Jeremy and I became good pals, which paid off - I became a mod after a few months. Lol. I got to know several other weird characters soon enough, and even met some of them, like Marbro, Vomitboy, Murderdoll and more. I went to Cape Town for the first time this year, and met the gang there: Phatfoo, Soulforge, antirockstar, misses, Fantasy, saw Geoffypoo again and met his wife, Girly. Had waffles at Wes and Cell's place too.

I met other strange and wonderful people here in JHB as well, like Gol, Amtobi and Nerf (the serial tap thief). By pure coincidence, voiceofreason, who Ferdi and I met at Woodstock 6 after he and his band, Burnt Reason opened the Festival, joined jnf about a year after.

Then along came Berny, Marbro's sister, who is now Ferdi's better half and a kick ass jolling side-kick. We also got to meet chim (Marbro's chick) who we got to know through jnf as well. One person I still HAVE TO meet, is Tink. I look forward to the day when we will down tequila, using chippendales as body shots, till the early hours.

So thanks to six of nine, I have met all these characters, got involved in one of the coolest SA chat sites, and developed some great friendships. Thank you.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Bloody vampires

No, I am not talking about my favourite past-time, vampires, just yet, I am still busy drafting a few pieces on that. I am talking about the blood sucking vampires that want me to donate blood. They have been hounding me for the past few months to come and donate, but since my tonsillectomy, I was not able to do so. My grace period is now finally over so I could donate this morning, here at the gym.

I always thought that I was not allowed to donate blood as I had hepatitis when I was 9. Bedridden for 3 god-forsaken months. But apparently, as I found out this year, if you had this damn disease before 12, then it's ok to donate blood. So who would have thought that my evil blood would be ok to donate? Ha ha.

So my friend and I went down to the gym so we could be poked with needles. Ugh. She couldn't donate as she had an op recently, but decided to stand by me and keep me company through this dark moment. I looked away and winced while a nurse inserted a thick needle into my right arm. It was painful, but I am a big girl, I can take it. Soon my blood started to pour into the plastic bag. My friend noticed that my blood was extremely dark - well, it's evil, helllooooooo. Of course its going to be dark!!! (Actually, it's cause of the high iron content, I eat a lot of red meat. But why tell her that?)

Before I was done, we had a bit of a laugh at some guy's expense. Now, normally, if you want to impress two girls, most guys would act macho and take this blood donating thing like a man, right? Not this one. Even though he is a regular donor, he became quite the drama queen and had a fainting fit. The nurses made him lie in the middle of the room on a mat while he recovered. I looked at my friend, smirked and said "no one likes a sissy".

This was my second donation, and I felt ok. Had a bit of a dizzy spell but no dramatic faint.

Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition Four

Ok so well what a week (I’ve spent about half of it hiding from Cazzy!) . Where to begin, ek vonder? O yes I know, “A draw is better than a defeat!”, ek nog eins Greggy the Bulls are the losers, they live in Pretoria! Wies jou pa Ok ok, lets leave that there, it was a good game but largely dispointing result, one team must win, it’s the way things work!

But Greggy then said something on the lines of Man United suck ARSEnal rule, well ek se:
Man United are here: 1st
ARSEnal are here: 7th

Then theres the little matter of Man United keeping their 100% record by beating FC Copenhagen yesterday while ARSEnal went done 1-0 to CSKA Moscow! Henry is still crying bout the yellow card he got!

In other news AUSTRALIA GOT BEATEN BY WEST INDIES, I repeat AUSTRALIA GOT BEATEN BY WEST INDIES! Taylor got a hat trick in the last two overs to set up the victory, o wies jou pa nou, and a Duffman for good measure!

And did anybody see Chelski going through keepers like I goes through panty hose? Man that’s funny guess money can’t buy thick skulls! Hee hee Drogba nearly got the same treatment, but he is black so he didn’t feel a thing! Must be that fro!

Ok lets leave sport for a second and lets talk serious for a second people (assuming anybody reads this that is). This topic is something that is very close to Ferdinova sexyback not lachey’s heart! See I have been recently been exposed to various forms of domestic violence and substance abuse over the last few weeks, and whilst M-unit (marbro) successfully helped Weasel in his substance abuse issues, the domestic violence is still raging on!

Now I can’t stress enough how disgusting it is that a person who feels so weak inside that that person feels the need to beat on someone weaker than them! It is wrong and no person should ever do that! I post this with great fear, but it must be done I cannot stay quite anymore ,Berny, Caz stop hitting me! That’s all folks!

PS: Quote of the week - "A man fixing a pipe could not be plumber than that!" When Brett Lee was ajudged LBW!

CaZ edit: I do not hit Ferdi. I would never abuse an animal.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Duvet day

This is one of those days when I'd rather be at home. The sky is grey, the clouds are threatening to pee, and I have one of the worst back pains ever - yes, I overdid the pilates thing again. Nothing seems to be working today. JNF is doing strange things, my e-mails take forever to get to me and the work is just not getting done. Shouldn't have bothered to get up this morning.

In fact, there is several things that I'd rather be doing right now, at home. I find it more entertaining to sleep till late, have a mid-morning breakfast, maybe watch a movie on tv or curl up on the couch with a good book. To some it may sound boring, but I could easily do that for the rest of my life. Is there such a job that pays me to do this, and pays well? I wish...

Before I used to hate being at home, even when I was sick. But since my parents have gone on a long extended holiday, Weasel works till late and Ferdi is at varsity, I normally have the house to myself for hours on end. I can up to all sorts of mischief, without being ridiculed. Maybe this will finally push me to get my own place, for once and for all. Yeah, that sounds good to me.

So what do you brats get up to when at home?

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


My first crush was Axl Rose, as far as I can remember, unless I count a chubby little boy called Emiliano in my nursery school class – but I didn’t know better then. Since I loved hairy men, it’s no surprise that after the Axl phase wore off I moved onto Jon Bon Jovi and other hairy animals.

My crushes tend not to last long, I get bored easily. I have had plenty. And yes, I still get those high-school girl type crushes. I’m young, and single, so I don’t see any harm in fantasizing about a few men here and there. In fact, I have two at the moment, one of them being Wentworth Miller – what’s not to love about that sexy Wenty? The other I’d rather not talk about…

But enough about MY crushes. The highlight of today is how my friend and I played a sneaky little joke on one of our older (and married) female colleagues here at work. We always suspected she had the hots for someone here at work but never had the proof. And now we do. She is a typical domkop (a la Posh Spice) who is quick to criticize you if your butt is too big and expects to receive compliments when she “looks nice”.

My friend sent her a link to an intranet site, where you are required to put in your three greatest loves. She filled it in and clicked “Send”. What she doesn’t know is that this then gets sent to a person here at work who “compiles the data”. Well, we got her results this morning. And surprise surprise, our suspicions were confirmed. Her husband did not even feature, but…our boss did!! Ugh! Our boss!!

I have a strong suspicion too that something did happen between the two of them sometime this year and then ended abruptly – but her crush on him is still strong – obviously, he was her first choice!! I am gonna be watching them carefully from now on, especially on our weekend away in Zambia. Damn, if I had the guts, I could write a book on who is doing who here in the office!!! Who needs soapies, heh heh.

Have you had any weird crushes? Do tell!

Monday, October 16, 2006

Careful when you tell lies

I had another flashback, thanks to Marbro.

I knew I was asking for trouble when I told Ferdi a little fib about Nerf stealing. Before everyone arrived I told him not to leave his wallet lying around cause Nerf steals. It was funny at the time. Well, Ferdi took it seriously and went and told Nerf what I said. The little bugger then proceeded to steal my kitchen tap, TWICE. Normally I wouldnt have a problem with that, but when you suddenly get the urge to do the dishes, well, you see my problem here. Next time he visits, I am hiding all the shiny things in the house.

Ugh, Nerf and Marbro's bellies:

An Intervention with a twist

Friday the 13th turned into an intervention for Weasel - check out Marbro's blog
  • The Real Marbro for an explanation. You'd think since this was an intervention (not MINE), that I'd have a clear head and remember everything that went on. Sadly, I don't. I get a few flashbacks every now and then, like last night on the way to Milky Lane. I told Berny how we attempted to sing a Lost Prophets song that was playing on mtv that night. Went on something like this: "Standing on the rooftop, da da na na, um, ja, HEART OUT!" Badly out of tune.

    Some highlights (actually, some broken memories): making pasta salad while sipping Smirnoff Storm and chatting to Berny. People arriving, having wine, having more Smirnoff Storm. Switching to Southern Comfort and coke. Apparently scratching Martin's arm (he lies, Berny and I reckon he just sat there all night scratching himself then blamed me). Posing for rude pics with the powerpuffs. Phoning Tink and Vomit (not remembering the actual conversations). Cutting my left index finger so deep while making salad that Weasel had to take over while I bled to death. Note to self: never go near sharp objects while under the influence. Making a few video clips of us speaking in German, Berny was the best.

    I missed out on Nerf missing a step in my garden and falling. Haha. Gol had to nurse him back to health with some ice for his foot. All of a sudden the evening ended quite quickly, though it was late. But besides the few blackouts, it all went well.

    Oh, and how did Weasel's intervention go? Quite well. Martin felt him up, he liked it so went to bed early with a smile on his face. We decided, since this evening was so much fun, that we are having one every week. It's Berny's turn for an intervention this Friday. We wish you well.

    As for Friday the 13th? We forgot all about it. Though I was unlucky that I cut my finger, and Marbro licked my face...and let's have a moment's silence for Nerf's foot.

  • Sunday, October 15, 2006

    Remember October 17!

    If there is anything that you must remember tomorrow, is to go onto the Urban Trash website!! Forget to brush your teeth, forget to kiss your mommy goodbye, just dont forget Urban Trash!! Jeremy Nell, our highly esteemed cartoonist, will be releasing the much anticipated Urban Trash book, after so much hard work, sweat and tears. Ok, maybe no tears. So do us a favour and check it out tomorrow, he needs your support!!

  • Urban Trash

  • Friday, October 13, 2006

    Cycle Challenge Finale

    We had the awards ceremony at 12 today at the Fox Hole pub at work, a month after the challenge ended. Surprisingly not many people attended as it was arranged at the last minute. I myself was quite late, as I raced from my pilates class to the ceremony. My team won the ladies section, of course, so we got a t-shirt, energade and a jungle oats bar. Not much of a prize but considering we didnt have to pay a cent to enter, this was a cool gift.

    The next challenge is set to be even tougher and only for the serious athletes, it seems. It will be a survivor of the fittest as different tasks have to be completed each day, in one hour. If you don't, you are immediately disqualified. Definitely not for the faint-hearted. So this means that I will probably sit this one out. The marathon and cycling was enough for one year!

    Friday the 13th

    Brrrrrr, we have one of those again! For the first time ever, I think, we are celebrating this much feared day in style. Ok, we are just rounding up some people for a braai at our place (no, we are not cooking them…) with plenty of booze and snacky things. Should be fun. Incidentally, in Argentina (as well as Greece and Spain) we consider Tuesday 13th and not Friday, as unlucky. While I lived there I remember several bad things happening on such days. Starting a journey or getting married on this day was discouraged as you were bound to get unlucky. Coincidence? Or did we just notice them more because such days were considered “unlucky”?

    So how did Friday the 13th get to become unlucky in other parts of the world? Some historians go as far back as the “Black Friday” where hundreds of Knight Templars were arrested and subsequently tortured after they were proclaimed heretics. This happened on October 13, 1307.

    But is Friday really unlucky? Like I mentioned before, maybe we just tend to notice bad things happening more on such days because we were brought up to believe that bad things happen then. So it’s all psychological, right?

    The movie industry certainly picked up on this phenomenon very quickly and started the Friday the 13th movie franchise – something which tortured my dreams when I was small. Jason visited my nightmares regularly, with his hockey mask and bloody knife. In fact, he still gives me the chills.

    Have any of you been unlucky on Friday the 13th? To be honest, I can’t remember any particular incident as I have never really taken notice of this day. Tonight I just plan to party the night away, and maybe get a glimpse of Paris Hilton been hacked to death in House of Wax (she does get hacked, doesn’t she? Oh, please let it be so!).

    Hope you all have a not so unlucky Friday the 13th!!! Mooohahahahahha!!!

    Thursday, October 12, 2006

    Gary Neville's bizarre own goal, heh heh heh

    Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition Three

    Dedicated in fond memory of my mommy! Come back to me mommy! Ok so at my age (22) your whole world goes to crap! If Cazzy didn’t keep annoying me so I would seriously have forgotten that I am her personal slave and would have lived happily ever after! It’s true! Four days of getting up early in a row is no really starting to take its toll on me! It’s just not natural! She has been nagging me for days for this Fat Eye , I just cannot work under these stressful conditions, I am a delicate being! She has even resorted to physical violence , yesterday she slapped me! I miss my mommy! But don’t worry fokes I took a picture (yes like an Australian rugby player would do), I’m mailing it to mommy as we speak, o boy she is gonna be pissed!

    Ok so back to the sport this weekend past was the Currie Cup semi-finals, I think and funny stuff did happen, but at my age I have forgotten all the gold, except for one priceless piece, which is not sport related, but gold nonetheless!
    So with mommy gone the household looks like a regular Ho-house! So the other day The Ferdinova sexyback realised that we was out of dishwashing liquid, cazzy was quick to say: “I gots some it work, I’ll bring it tomorrow!”

    So naturally The Ferdinova sexyback was dumbfounded, and a little impressed as to why she has dishwashing liquid at work, so I says: “Why do you have dishwashing liquid at work?”
    Weasely then kindly explained: “What did you think she did at work Sir Ferdinova sexyback?”

    Then last night me and Weasel got into a nasty fight! It's cause of all the stress we are under! I can't remember how it started, but I told him: 'I'll kill you and your whole family! I'm hardcore, I play for keeps!" Then he said: " I'll END you!" Man it was bad!

    And then last night some more gold occurred. I warn you though you gots to keep your Naases separate so as not to get confused! In our favourite country, so all the way from the US of England:
    Let me set the scene it was a dark chilly night in Chatsworth! Actually Croatia, but I don’t know if they eat chilly there? So Gary Neville passes the ball ever so gently back to keeper Robinson in the game, Robinson, thinking he is Naas Botha, (not Naas Olivier, although it turned out to be a Naas Olivier, not a Naas Botha) winded the ball up for the biggest strasskop you ever did see! Man just look at it go! But alas like Naas Olivier, not Naas Botha he missed the ball and it slowly rolled into the goal! Duffman!

    So this weekend we end the Currie cup! Cheetahs against Steve! There can be only one! Until next week (hopefully mommy will have returned by then so I can give a more cheerful account of my week).

    Wednesday, October 11, 2006

    The Circus is Back in Town!!!!

    Yes, the REAL circus, with ponies and lions and elephants and all! Well, actually, I haven’t seen the elephant yet, but I am hoping. The circus has moved in several blocks from my house, for its annual show. I am more excited than ever, and hope that this year, Weasel will show a bit of charity and take Ferdi and me to the circus. He just has to!

    Last year I remember looking sadly at the elephant chained outside a trailer for over two weeks. He looked so lonely and forlorn. I wanted to go over and set him free. Maybe keep him as a pet. In our garden? Yeah, right. Still, I felt sad for him. He hasn’t made an appearance as yet, this year. I wonder where he is?

    My most vivid and only memory of the circus is when I was 5 years old. That was the only time my parents took me to the circus. See, Ferdi! Mom and Dad love me! I don’t ever remember them taking you or Weasel there! All I can remember though is being called to the front with some other kids where we had to dance to the music for a quick competition. I remember looking up at the clowns and wanting to go back to my mommy. That’s when my fear of clowns began. I always thought it had to do with IT the clown, but I was wrong. Though he did exacerbate my phobia. Ugh.

    If it weren’t for c-c-c-c-c-lowns, I’d probably visit the circus more often. Now that I think about it, maybe getting Weasel to take us there is not such a good idea after all. Unless it’s for a quick stop to drop off Ferdi. I always thought he belonged in a circus.

    Tuesday, October 10, 2006

    When you should pray at work

    When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing “good morning” to everyone and you think, “Somebody needs to slap the F#*& out of her”

    - You need to pray at work.
    I have one of those at work. When I respond to her chirpy good morning with a grunt, she has a bad habit of mocking me. One of these days…SHE is gonna be praying…

    When someone comes in and announces, “Office meeting in 5 minutes” and you think, “What the F^*& do they want now?”

    - You need to pray at work.
    I tend to avoid them like the plague, wherever I can, I delegate to someone else to attend those horrible meetings. Someone did that once to me though. I had to attend a meeting with IT personnel from several departments. Needless to say, I did not open my mouth once during the 2 excruciating hours, praying for my mommy.
    I came across this saying the other day:
    "Rome did not create an great Empire by having meetings...they did it by killing all those who opposed them."
    I am sticking it, in bold letters, near my desk.

    When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say “Which one of you sons of a b&%$# turned off my computer?”

    - You need to pray at work
    I never have to ask that question cause I always know who it is, Erik the Blue Bull fanatic/pain in the butt (had to be a Blue Bull). He knows it pisses me off, so he carries on. And on. And on. One of these days…
    I should start a hit list.

    When you and a co-worker are discussing something, and a third person comes in and says “Well, at my last office” and you want to say “Who the f&%$ cares?”

    - You need to pray at work
    Don’t even get me started on this one…

    When you are in the lift and it stops to pick someone who stood for five minutes waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor, and you say “that lazy b*$@$#^”

    - You need to pray at work
    We have some many of these lazy b*$@$#^, in fact, I once called them that out loud. I feel they should know that.
    It’s become even more irritating these days, as the lifts are being renovated one by one. I waited 10 minutes for a lift today. Next time, I might just take the stairs, and that is a promise!

    When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is “what the f&%$ does she want now?” and you try hide underneath your desk.

    - You need to pray at work
    Makes me wish I still had my private cubicle…

    When you take some leave and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think “sorry a## m#$^% F%&#s”

    - You need to pray at work
    This is exactly what happened when I returned to work last week. No one bothered to even look at my work. Yet, now I have to theirs!!

    If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, or slapping someone that you work with

    - You need to pray at work
    Oh, too often, too often. A day just couldn’t go by without having such thoughts.

    So all together now, bow your heads with me. Or let’s kill these sorry m*&%$# F&*^#$s!!!!!!

    Thought of the day:
    "If at first you don't succeed, try sleeping with management"

    Monday, October 09, 2006

    Why I hate clubs

    When I was told that my friend’s 21st was to be held at Billy the Bums last Friday night, I was about as excited as going to the dentist. I would have preferred to have chilled somewhere more quiet, or at least, with less people, without feeling the need to “dress up”. So half-heartedly I went along, expecting the night to be a complete disaster. And so it seemed, initially.

    We arrived fashionably late, and after 10 minutes of standing around like last farts, surrounded by hordes of pretty people, a waiter managed to organize us a table. We were a bit cramped, but it was better than standing. Our party grew more and more as people started to arrive and as we waited for the birthday girl. In the meantime I could feel two men who were sitting near us, staring at me quite intently. I guessed they were in their late forties and made me extremely uncomfortable as they made it quite obvious that they were staring at me. I tried to engage in conversation with friends but somehow I just couldn’t avoid their eyes.

    Soon the birthday girl arrived, and to my horror, I noticed the two men slowly make their way to our table as they tried to get my attention. I ignored them as much as possible but eventually one managed to push past everyone and come straight to me. I looked up at him and could smell alcohol in his breath. It was awful. He wanted me to go with him so he could introduce me to someone. I politely declined (though I badly wanted to tell him exactly where he could go, on his own) and told him that I was here with friends. He insisted, but I stood my ground. What a nerve he had!! Eventually he gave up. To my relief I noticed him prey on several other girls that night, all who also gave him the cold shoulder.

    This is one of the main reasons why I hate clubs. They have become such meat markets as men (and women) prey on their unsuspecting victims like hungry vultures. Yes, I used to be one of them, and now I cringe every time my mind wanders to those “dark years”. I just don’t know how many cheesy one-liners I can put up with anymore.

    At least the night got slightly better as the night progressed and the alcohol flowed through my veins. I only had to avoid one more pass at me, this time from a younger, more attractive guy. I just wasn’t in the mood for that (what’s wrong with me??). The girls and I had a very funny episode in the parking lot where we indulged in a lot of champagne (which we later smuggled back into the club), sang happy birthday at the top of our voices and invited random guys to join us in the celebrations.

    Next, we had the crazy idea of dancing on the bar. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but try now to imagine 4 chemically unbalanced girls, on a busy bar, trying to dodge people’s shooters while at the same time trying to dance to the beat of the music. Well, at least we had a good laugh. That is, until a guy decided to bite me several times on my leg. Still hurts. Thank goodness I had a tetanus shot several months ago.

    Despite it all, I have to admit that I had a good time, singing and dancing with my friends and not having a care in the world. But I still hate clubs…too many pink shirts.

    Friday, October 06, 2006

    So I got an email from Inersha

    Being a suck up that I am (like some people I know, *cough* Greg), I emailed Inersha yesterday. I thanked them for the brilliant performance at Woodstock and posing for pics, and just went on about general kak like the fact that Ferdi and the drummer, Kerran go to the same labour class at varsity (Ferdi noticed him for the first time this week, how weird). I also mentioned that last year at Woodstock I filmed Kerran and Fred on my camera, and got them to say "jnf rocks". I was highly intoxicated and you can hear me screaming in the background - though I left out that useless bit of info...

    Right, moving on. So Kerran replied this morning with a longish email, I was so chuffed. Though he has replied to my emails before, it's always nice to get an e-mail from a band member. Geez, I am such a groupie!
    He mentioned that he has actually noticed Ferdi in his class quite a while back already since he always wears cool t-shirts like the Mudvayne one. Easily noticeable since not that many people wear such t-shirts in a law class! So my dear boet is cool. I am so proud.

    He remembered the JNF clip too!! Surprising since some of my other victims suffered from temporary amnesia (straight after Woodstock nogal) - but I think that has a lot to do with the fact that they were just as intoxicated as I was! So Kerran, thanks for the cool email!! Cant wait for Inersha's next gig!!

    Kerran and I.

    Thursday, October 05, 2006

    Marbro's boobie and other stuff

    Shield your eyes, if you have to, here is Marbro's boobie!!!

    Fred the man!!! INERSHA!!!
    My arm, just some of the many signatures my body got covered in..


    Emile (The Narrow) and I:

    Andrew (16Stitch) and I:

    Woodstock 8 Post-Mortem

    I think that what really made this year’s Woodstock the best one so far was the great company we had this year. The phrase “the more the merrier” definitely applied here. Last Friday morning, after frantically packing last minute stuff in my already pregnant bag, sorting out the food for the weekend and making sure we didn’t forget anything, Ferdi, Berny, Martin, Cailin, Basti and I made the trip to Hartbeespoort Dam for Woodstock 8. Shawn was meeting us there later. Finally this weekend had arrived! By the time we got there it was already sizzling hot and the resort was full of campers. We were worried about not getting a good campsite but our shuttle service driver managed to find us a prime spot right in front of the two main stages. So we didn’t have to walk too far to watch the bands. In fact, we could just sit back and watch from our tents.

    Setting up the tents was a mission under hot sun, especially with a drink in hand, but eventually we settled in nicely and waited for sunset and the bands to start playing. The sausage rolls and sammies that I made for the whole weekend didn’t last long. I clearly underestimated our hungry boys! So these are the highlights from the weekend:

    - Best Moment: After more than a year of not seeing him face-to-face, Andrew from 16Stitch, remembered my name (!!) after asking him to sign my, erm, boobie!!! I was so chuffed!
    - Dunces of the weekend: traffic cops forcing Shawn to turn back home, due to bad traffic, when he was almost half-way there. Eventually the poor guy made it.
    - Best Performance: The Narrow, closely followed by Inersha. Berny and I got pushed, shoved and trampled during The Narrow, as we were right in front, but it was worth it.
    - Most Entertaining Band: Fuzigish. Or more to the point: BIG WILLY! As usual, he passed a funnel with beer down to the crowd, stage dived (or rather, fence-dived) and of course, wowed us with his trumpet. A real trumpet, damnit.
    - Weirdest dude: The guy with a weird hairdo, and plastic cock that he wanted Big Willy to sign. He rubbed it against my arm and told me I liked it.
    - Butterflies in the stomach moment: Got to chat with Inersha’s roadie a few times. Nice guy. He tried to organize me some Inersha goodies but it seemed the guys didn’t bring any merch besides CDs. Oh well, at least he tried.
    - Worst moment: While watching Pestroy, a chick kept on bumping into me. I pushed her away so she poured her drink on my hair and new Pestroy t-shirt. Still haven’t got the stains out.
    - Dumbass of the weekend: Basti, for his sleepwalking attempt.
    - Biggest disappointment: Wonderboom not being able to play. That meant that 16Stitch got to play earlier, at the same time as Inersha, which in turn meant that most of the crowd watched 16Stitch. What a bummer, cause the Inersha guys deserved a bigger crowd than they got. They gave an excellent performance. At least I got to be right in front and got some awesome video clips of the guys.
    - Biggest Surprise: Blindside’s performance. They exceeded my expectations. Since they were closing the festival and I was tired, I almost skipped their performance. I was glad to have watched them. They rocked.
    - Worst inhibitor: The dust! I had to leave Wickhead's performance early cause I couldn’t handle the dust and missed out on several others for the same reason.
    - Biggest bore: Martin. He slept most of the time.
    - Assholes of the weekend: our neighbours, the Bulls supporters who kept us up on both nights with their drunken “BULLE” shouts all night. Bloubulle, vokjulle.
    - Funniest moment: Hikatori’s bassist singing “Ek droom van vissies” in that sweet little voice of his. Cracks me up every time.
    - Most well behaved: ME! I drank and drank, lots of water too, so no sick moments for me!
    - Proudest Boob: Martin’s, signed by Fred from Inersha. He walked around proudly afterwards, showing anyone and everyone, that he was “protected by Fred”. Shame.
    - Proudest Moments: posing for photos with Emile (The Narrow), Deon (The Narrow), Kerran (Inersha), Andrew (16Stitch) and Inersha. Thanks guys, you are so cool! Oh, and having Mark from Wickhead join us at our tent for a while as he had a look at my programme and signed my CD.
    - Worst pick up line: While I was on my way to the toilets, a guy was following me. I eventually turned around and he said he knows me, that we have met before. I gave him a confused look so he repeated, “we met before. Ten seconds ago”.
    - Best dressed: the three transvestites. Suitable candidates for Martin and Ferdi’s Navy.
    - Loudest Scream: Me, on Barney Simon’s microphone.
    - Worst Injuries: Me again, ever the accident-prone, got headbutted (by mistake by Berny), scratched (by a guy!), bumped and elbowed in the face.
    - And last, but definitely not least, BEST PARTNER IN CRIME: Berny. She watched most of my fave bands with me, screamed, posed, and got her arms and chest covered with autographs with me, by all those dishy boys.

    It was definitely a lot of fun! Cant believe it was over so quickly. I am gonna attempt to put up a few pics later.

    Wednesday, October 04, 2006

    What I got up to

    I am finally back at work; not very enthusiastic about it but there is nothing I can do about it, I guess. It was difficult to update my blog while I was away as I did not have access to the internet all this time. It felt odd but strangely, comforting as well, not to be connected to the outside world.

    These 2 weeks have flown right past me as much went on in my household and surrounding areas. As you all know, my parents are off holidaying in Argentina for 2 months (whom I haven’t heard from in weeks, they must be having a ball) so our house in quite a disarray at the moment. I have spent most of the time cleaning, doing the dishes and laundry, mopping, tidying up, watering the garden, among other things. I have never returned from leave this exhausted!!

    So what else did I get up to, besides attempting a bit of domestication? Other than the usual reading and watching way too much TV, the following happened:
    - Met Cailin, Martin’s girlfriend, for the first time. Cool chick, she has the poor boy whipped. Ha ha. They stayed next door at my aunt’s place for over a week. It was great to have them over, lounging till late and talking kak.
    - Invited the gang over for a braai, where a lot of booze flowed (Weasel couldn’t believe how much beer they had drunk that first weekend), watched rugby then carried on the party at Tempo’s…
    - …where we watched Inersha battle it out against Hikatori, The Paradigm, Namue and Harvey 2Face for the Battle for Woodstock Final. Despite Inersha’s brilliant performance, as always, they lost out to Hikatori (they have some weird fans), much to our disappointment. When Inersha got on stage, I spent most of the time dodging moshers and trying to avoid being thrown under the stage. That was until my own dear brother Ferdi sent me flying against the speakers. Oh, and I discovered Inersha has a really hot roadie. Sly devil me got a few sneaky pics of him.
    - We watched the Battle for Woodstock footage on MK89 several days later and were proud to have made it on TV. That was cool.
    - Shopping for Woodstock – that was hilarious. The gang shopping together. Most of it consisted of booze, some 2/3 trolleys full. Ok, I lie, maybe it was one.
    - Went to a Golf Day hosted by our department even though I am on leave. My boss was confused about it but I was enticed by the free shooters that we were handing out to the golfers (one for you, two for me!), getting a tan (got burnt) and driving a golf cart (I’m starting to be quite the pro at it, though several golfers still want to kill me). And I met Graham Joffee from 94.7, funny oke.
    - Hosted a ladies’ night at my place. We made Dom Pedros, which made me slightly ill after one too many. We had some snacks, shooters and watched that dashing Heath Ledger as “Casanova”. And no, contrary to some crazy talk, this is not a documentary on Ferdi! The evening ended well, though the boys crashed after a while and I still had to pack for Woodstock.
    - Had the most awesome weekend at Woodstock! More on that later.
    - And the last 3 days I have spent doing more cleaning (especially my tent!), catching up on lost sleep from this weekend, and trying to get myself psyched up for work again. Ugh.