The match of the year

It was a Sunday afternoon, a bit chilly, the venue: the church grounds. The occasion: the fat versus the skinny soccer match. The players: Ferdi, Weasel, Basti and Shawn the skinny, against the Brazilian pastor aka the 65 year old timer, Kabelo, Babelo, Matthias the German Turk, and the midget. Weasel, ever the smart one, mentioned that if Matthias was dark enough (he likes to frequent tanning salons), it could be blacks versus whites. He seemed to forget that the pastor is white too, so he is not so smart after all…

The match soon got under way. Berny and I watched, or rather laughed, and I made a few notes on my cellphone as I forgot my pen and notebook at home. Yes, I am a bad journalist. The fat boys struggled with the running and oddly enough, Shawn the skinny was the goalkeeper. Ferdi soon realised that he sucked at it so they swapped places. It’s natural to put a fat boy there. At least, that’s what I would do. Weasel decided to use some of his cheat tactics, like confusing the hell of the pastor and made him think that he touched the ball with his hand, when it was actually Weasel himself that did the evil deed. He also managed to add extra points to his team, just cause he can. I guess he forgot his calculator at home.

It was a very tight game, each team trying to outdo the other. I added a few chirps of my own every now and then, like when the skinny scores, Weasel says, “What the hell was that”. I casually answer, “a goal”. Captain Weasel was beside himself as his team mates failed to understand, or rather ignore, his instructions. Apparently Ferdi does not know the meaning of “square”, “run” and “over the short shit”. Weasel hates to lose, but I got a tad worried when he forgot he was playing soccer, kicked the ball way over the “net” and screamed “TRY”. Okaaaaayyy, moving on.

Weasel provided most of the comedy during this match, as you can see. One of the highlights was when he did his amazing ballerina twist and missed the ball. Shawn kicked it, and it hit Weasel so it deflected towards the goal and scored. It was stupefying. More cheat tactics: knocking out the old timer, lying in church, Ferdi picking up Babelo so he can’t kick the ball, and then Weasel restarting the match while everyone is busy talking. The refs (Berny and I) decided that he should restart once more. Biased? No.

There was an argument over a goal that the skinnys supposedly scored. To end the dispute, Ferdi applied the Carson Daly rule, which meant that the fatties were right so the goal was disallowed. The refs had no say in the matter, unfortunately. Ferdi then called for the 4-4-2 formation, and Weasel for some fatass defence, none of which worked since their opponents scored soon after that. Not even Weasel’s weapon of mass destruction, his flabby ass, could save the day there.

A mention must be made to the midget. The poor little bugger hardly got a touch of the ball, though Weasel was quite afraid of him. He threatened Ferdi, “if the midget scores, I am gonna kick your ass!” This was funny, especially since the midget almost scored when Weasel traded places with Ferdi. It would have been poetic justice.

So how many fat kids does it take to score? Apparently 3, and a half (Shawn). The match ended in a draw, 17-17, soon after I announced that Kayla the terrorist would be visiting us that evening. But I think the main reason was that the fat kids couldn’t run anymore, neither could the old timer, for that matter. I have been checking for any reports of earthquakes in Japan and surrounding areas, but so far so good. No earth tremors, thank goodness.

This is Caz, reporting from my kak cellphone. Until next time (if there will be a next time!!).