I am on leave from tomorrow

I am counting down the hours until I finally go home. It's amazing how always, on the last day before I start my holidays, I have tons of work and other ad hoc things to get through before I go. I have been so busy that I even forgot to eat! My holidays start tomorrow and I am looking forward to sleeping till noon, or until Ferdi rudely wakes me up. I will be back on the 5th of October, I think. Must check.

Normally I don't take leave in September, but since my parents are gone, and there are lots of things to do around the house, I have decided to take some time off. Now I see why my mother always complains about being tired!!! When I get home I usually park in front of the TV until I go off to bed. Now I not only have to see to my dinner, but I have to water the garden, hang up the clothes (Ferdi does the laundry), wash the dishes, tidy up, etc. It's exhausting!! I am a spoilt brat!!

Other than that, I will be hosting some parties, do some reading (I am addicted to that cute little Harry Potter at the moment) and of course, the highlight of the year - attend Woodstock 8!!! Its taking place at the end of the month, a whole weekend of camping "fun", no showers, booze and loud music! I will need a few days to recover afterwards...

We will also be checking out Inersha on Saturday for the Final Battle for Woodstock. I am sure they will come out tops. They just have to!!


I will try to update my blog every now and then but I cant make any promises as my aunt's internet is buggered at the moment and it takes forever for me to dial-up from my laptop. Let's see how it goes. But keep visiting please!!!

We came second

What a night we had! I must say that I was very impressed with the way the function was organised last night. It was very professionally done and we all felt like we were in an actual TV show (I think the cameras had a lot to do with that, haha). That Nimrod dude from the Lotto was our host, and he was damn good at it. In between rounds we had some Kwaito dude called Kabelo to entertain the audience. Um ja.

So my team, conveniently called the "S & M Groupies", donned their gold wigs and intelligent spectacles to battle it out with the other five teams. I painted a banner for our supporters, as well as several flags. Shame, poor Weasel was very worried that I might not have realised what S&M stands for. I reassured him that I did, AND that it also stands for Sales and Marketing, so yes, it's a clever pun on my part, thank you very much.

It was a close but tough competition, and it had to be, considering the first prize. The first two rounds were the most nerve-wrecking since they were individual questions. Once that was done we kind of got the hang of it. After the third round we were in the lead and almost had it in the bag when we stuffed up in the last round as we got two questions wrong and thus lost 6 crucial points. There was tension in the air when the final winner was announced. At least one of my dear old friends and her team ended up taking first place, AND we beat our arch-rivals, the Structured Trade team (who were so confident and cocky that they didn't bother to study much).

I was satisfied with second place, like my boss said, sometimes it's better to come second. Geez, we are full of puns here. I blushed and took a large swig of the champagne we got to celebrate. Incidentally, I ended up drinking the whole bottle. Hell, I needed it to calm my nerves. It was finally over! No more studying. As a consolation prize, the rest of the finalists each got a Nano I-Pod, 4GB. Not a shabby prize, if you ask me!!

So we partied, celebrated and managed to rope my bosses into giving my team an expensive celebration lunch next week, on condition that they attend as well. Since I was already quite tipsy, and gained a bit more confidence as a consequence, I also got the courage to moan at one of my bosses for arriving late at the function, drunk (he had been drinking since lunch) and for been half asleep during the function! Luckily I still have a job today.

Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition 2

I’m bringing sexy back, I’m bringing sexy back, hmnm o ok ya so hello all is the weekend over already? Well what a f'ing of a weekend it was too! Although the Lions pulled off a majestic victory over the Griquas, that was followed up by the f'ing (ed: language!! lol) Sharkies getting their asses handed to them by you-know-who! (Sorry been ready Harry Potter!)

And then to top it all off my beloved Man United got ropped in the 86th minute by some arsehole! And so alas the Lions still have a chance at making the semis and Man United is still in second place but I had to wake up on Monday morning to Murder (aka Greg) and the march of Pompy! (Portsmouth are at the top of the log!) But what can I say Arsenal were 17th at the start of play, and if Man U won they would have been some 13 points ahead of them and we aren’t even into October! That would have killed the Premier League!

So as we all now know the Sharks suck balls! So at this time I would like to clear up a misunderstanding! It turns out that Berny supports the Sharks and not WP as I might have said! But then again the way she goes on about Naas Olivier you can forgive an ouen for thinking otherwise! So then that means that the Browns all support the Sharkies, therefore by implication they are to blame for the Lions woes! Ek se science!

So for this weeks' Fat Corner at least I can say we have some good news, so away we goes! First up it is with great pleasure that I say, Murder listen closely , the Lions have signed Jaque Cronje to join them for the 2007 season! O yes Duffman! And as many people thought that the Lions (aka Cats) would be out of the Super 14 next season, I can gladly say that they were busy appointing a new coach from one of: Eugene Eloff – current Lions coach, Leopards coach, or Pieter De Villiers the Spears coach!

And like I said it’s not all doom and gloom! Man U kicked off their UEFA Champions League with a 3-2 win against Celtic! They scored more goals in this game than in the whole group stage last year so yay! And it was during the Man U – Celtic match that this happened: Dutch striker Venegoor von Hesselink (Spelling?) scored a goal, and thus the commentators embarked on a fascinating journey to investigate whether it is actually possible to put his name in song, and then it happened, Andy Gray sang: “There is only one Venegoor von Hesselink!” to the tune of “One ton of mierda!” (ed: he means "Guantanamera" hahaha)

That’s all!

By Ferdi

I said no the beerfest

Yes, it's true. I decided to take the sensible route and stay glued to my books this weekend to prepare for this godforsaken quiz final tomorrow. Yip, godforsaken. I am counting the hours till this damn thing is over. This is the reason I don't study anymore, I just can't take the stress!!! And what a bad weekend to actually study!! Not only did I say no to this beerfest (which I am still sulking about) but I also had to squeeze in going to the airport to say bye bye to the folks (Ferdi and Eddie cried, by the way), and I also ended up saying no to my youth celebration braai. What the hell...but I just have to keep my eye on that prize. That is my goal now.

However, having said no to the braai, while I should have used that time to cram more info, I instead went with the gang to Spur for a hearty meal. I am still surprised that they let us go back there. Fortunately, our favourite waiter, Augustine, was not working yesterday. Instead, we got a dude called Emma to serve us. Yes, he is called Emma...ok, moving on, haha.

I met Marbro's girlfriend yesterday, Cailin aka Chim. What a cool chick. And I am proud to say that she has him whipped. Ha haha. No, shame, they look good together. Awwww, so sweet. I look forward to getting to know her better in person!!

On the "Fat Eye" front, due to Ferdi's sloooooowwwww movements, I will post them every Tuesday, instead of every Monday as I first mentioned. That's if the fat one can keep up. He is famous for being lazy most of the time. And now that his mommy is away for two months, who knows if he will ever be the same again. I had to sing to him this morning to comfort him a bit. So please look out for his latest edition tomorrow, right here!

Cycle Challenge Season reaches its end

Cycling challenge is finally over, I did my last stage yesterday afternoon. Final results aren't out yet, but it is definitely clear that my team came first in the ladies's section - we have been at the top right from the beginning so that has been an awesome achievement! Overall we should come in 7th or 8th place. Not too shabby! Individually, I made it into the top 50 females, reaching 17th place overall. My final stats are as follows:

We are celebrating our achievements next week at a team champagne breakfast. Hopefully there will be lots more celebrating to after our quiz final! Speaking of celebrations, remember a few months ago when I went to my youth weekend (remember the tree incident!) where my volleyball team won the girls' tournament? We are finally celebrating this Sunday at the church. Our youth pastor has organised a spit braai. All I can say is, it's about time!

Oh, and I have been invited to another beerfest this weekend - it's that time of the year when there is beer all over the place. I am just wondering where I am gonna fit in study time this weekend...more on that on Monday. Have a good one, everyone!

PE is poaching my supporters!!

As most of you know, my quiz final is next week tuesday. I have been trying to study, some, and gather a huge support base for the actual final as support from the audience is very crucial. They will get asked questions as well, if we get them wrong, and if they answer correctly, they can pick the team that will get those points. Now I hear that P.E. has stolen some of our very talented and wise team mates!!! At least three of them have now changed sides. Bastards. My boss even threatened them with instant firing, but even that didn't manage to change their minds. Traitors. Oh, well, they are the "weakest link". Goodbye!

P.E. even had the cheek to ask my dear best friend to support them. But luckily she knows where her loyalties lie. In any case, I don't think she would want to know what I'd do to her if she decided to betray me as well.

It has been quite hard to study for this though. Yesterday I organised a meeting with my team mates and split the work between us. It still seems like a lot. There is also very little time. My parents leave for Brazil/Argentina on Saturday, so I have been busy with their preparations, and all that. It's funny when you know that you have to study for something, suddenly menial tasks like washing the dishes, cleaning your room and sorting through your rubbish seems much more fun than hitting the books! I must just keep my eye on the prize: R25 000 travel voucher and $1000 spending money. That should motivate me, right? I HAVE TO WIN!!

Oh, P.E. has just poached ANOTHER person. I am gonna moer them!

Beware the Full Moon

Have you ever wondered why is it that at specific moments during a month, tempers flare, tension is thick and everyone just wants to kill each other? I certainly have. For females, it's called pms, but how do you explain the males? What's up with them? It's the FULL MOON.

Just about all the males in our office have been moody this week. My boss hasn't spoken to me at all today - that's when I know he is in a bad mood. He sits in his office and sulks. And we all know to stay out of his way, lest we want to feel the full force of his wrath.

I didn't even know there was a full moon till one of my colleagues pointed it out at our coffee break this morning. She mentioned that she has noticed people in shopping centre parking lots fighting over a parking spaces these past few days. It's madness. My other colleague, has been having first hand experience with this, the poor soul. Her father has been in one of the worst moods ever, finding fault in every little thing.

There's something about a full moon that conjures up spooky images of werewolves, insane axe-wielding murderers and other odd and unexplainable behaviors. Everything from horror films to Halloween cards has capitalized on this phenomenon, making it almost commonplace in our minds. But does the moon really affect human behavior, or does this notion only exist in our imaginations?

I haven't done too much research on this, but apparently there are no scientific studies that prove a correlation between the full moon and mood swings. However, in England in the 18th century, a person who committed a murder during a full moon could plead "lunacy" and get a lighter sentence. Lunacy is defined as "intermittent insanity once believed to be related to phases of the moon."

Back in the 1970s, a study was published in the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry that found some interesting results. Homicides in Dade County, Florida appeared to rise and fall with the phases of the moon over a 15-year period. In other words, the murder rate rose with the full or new moon. The study's author, psychiatrist Arnold Lieber, theorized that since humans are composed mostly of water (like the earth), our bodies might have "biological tides" that influence our emotions.

There have been several other studies that have been conducted but results seem to contradict each other. So does the full moon really affect us or not? Is it possible that we, as a culture, like the idea of a mysterious moon-related power, and are pushing the myth forward because we want to? I think that what actually happens is that when there is a full moon and something out of the ordinary happens, we tend to blame it on the moon. So is it myth or fact?

Where is my mind?

I had a goodie of a topic that I had dreamt up last night, but like most things lately, it has gone right out of my head. Suppose it's old age catching up to me, or information overload, or both, that's making me forget stuff faster than I can actually care to remember anything. I have been stressing so much these past few days over my quiz that's next week (I just have to win that dream trip) and finalising everything for my parents' trip, that I can think of nothing else. I haven't even bothered to do much work.

So I am not going to bother you all with much today. I think Ferdi's hilarious column will suffice today!! I am going to recharge my batteries tonight!!

Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition One Volume One

I know I promised to do add this yesterday, but the Fat Eye forgot his article at home. So here it is, ladies and germs, Ferdi's first edition:

O yea Duffman! Vive le Boks, O yea! Ek se waaneer ek gaan by die plaas ons gaan wen, dis waar! And to add to that Man United won the fourth game in a row, O yea!

So likes I said above, me and Cazzy went to Ellis Park to see the Boks play! Now I just had a feeling this was gonna be good, I mean they were selling the beer by the six pack! O yea! And Prime Circle was to be performing later!

So the game started off slowly, with the Aussies feeling each other up at every opportunity! Like gross, get a room! Yous say the good game is bad but these guys were full on squeezing! That’s like an oh no Duffman! But as we all know the Aussies are f'ing losers, so The Fat Eye thought it rather fitting that the trashy Jade sang the Aussie anthem! O yea! And further on that note I must say Die Stem was beautifully sung at the game!

So the crowd, obliviously WP fans, got overly excited they did, and started a good old Barney! “Barney Barney, peanut-butter Sammie!” O yea! Modman (ed: aka Marbro) rates they started fighting to get away from Cazzy’s annoying singing, man that was bad, he rates the cops were even afraid to approach the “affected” area! Cazzy being in disagreement then taped herself singing into the infamous Dictaphone, she now threatens to play it!

So me (ed: always the fool first) and Cazzy on this fine Spring day were full of insightful conversation, we was wondering how is it that of all the Randfonteinors (you gots to say with a dutchy accent, or don’t say it at all!) in the world how is it that we meet the only one that doesn’t kyk vir die Rugby nie? (ed: he is talking about marbro here) Maybe it’s got something to do with the fact that he is the only one to have all his teeth, and, luckily, not be married to his sister! O yea!

So that brings me to his sister Berny! I guess jew wondering why I never mention her, well she likes WP, Jenson Button and Arsenal, need I say more?

In Currie Cup action this week WP got smacked one by the Cheetahs, just goes show WP are gay! O and the Lions won yet again, Blue Bulls be where ons is hier, bitch! So let’s move on to soccer, Man United carry on in their supremacy by yet again winning keeping the pressure on their rivals: Liverpool who got smacked 3-0 by Everton, and Arsenal who are lying in 17th position! O yea! As it turns out Portsmouth might indeed be our main rivals this year!

So this week I’d like to introduce a new feature in the Fat Eye, we shall call it The Fat Corner! This were the Fat Eye will include all the “fatlines” of the week! So without further a due, ladies and Navy seals, I present, for the first time THE FAT CORNER! Can I have a hell ya? O yea Duffman! Ok so let’s start, the first fatline goes to someone from our favourite team from the north the Blue Bulls! Joost van der Westhuizen was given the duty of presenting the trophy to the winner of the Freedom Trophy, I do believe? He however like a dumbass goes and gives to the Boks the winners on the night! But any sport fan will know that it’s played over two legs! He then tunes that he never got the “script”! Ya sure, I think he should stick to his day job, being Amor’s bitch!

This week the English cricket team called up fast bowler Graham Onions to replace Darren Gough! So when Onions heard he was called up to the national squad, apparently he cried! Onions! Furthermore The Fat Eye was requested to do some damage control on some incriminating evidence of Modman’s brother-in-law, allegedly moping the floor! As it turns out he were merely practising for the Curling World Championships and could not find a broom, so he used the mop, that’s all! So until next week lets all bring sexy back! O yea Duffman!

Ha haha, it's all gold. Well done Ferdi!

The Boks win again

I think Ferdi and I have some of the best luck when we go to Ellis Park - our team wins 95% of the time. The Boks beat Australia, 24-16. It was an awesome match. I got drunk quickly under the hot sun thanks to a six-pack Ferdi and I sneaked into the stadium, and even witnessed a brawl that got under way in the first half. It kind of pissed me off cause every one stood up to watch these morons throwing punches at each other and I couldnt see what was happening on the field. Eventually security showed up and put an end to it. Oh, and Ferdi appeared on TV, with beer in hand. My photo skills improved a bit that day, and I took some cool pics. I even got a video clip of Pretorius's drop goal. Perfect timing!

To add some excitement and something funny worth to read every Monday morning, I will be posting Ferdi's weekly "Fat Eye for the Sports Guy" column that currently features on jnf. This fat boy has got some talent! So, watch this space till he gets his butt of the chair at the lunch table and posts it this afternoon!

Other than that my weekend was quite eventful but way too short. We went to the drive-in on Friday to see Miami Vice (all that was good about it was Colin Farrell, otherwise it was a huge disappointment) and The Break-up. Yesterday we went to see if Marbro actually works, at the Getaway Show at the Dome. Turns out he doesnt do much, cause he followed us around most of the time. Lol. We bought some camping gear for Woodstock. We now have a lot of tents, not enough people to sleep in them!! Oh, and we ended the weekend at Milky Lane with some yummy waffles, my craving is getting out of hand. I put the boys, and Marbro, to shame, and finished my waffle first. Heh heh heh.

Friday is finally here!!!

I just had the most gut-wrenching meeting ever. Details were dished out for our bCompetent quiz final that is taking place next week. Its going to be really tough!!! And I havent even started studying. The organiser says the questions are fairly easy (that is his opinion) but the problem is that, once you are on that podium, being scrutinised by the audience, its so easy to get stage fright and make an ass of yourself. That's why I am having tequila before the show. Heh heh heh.

Seriously though, I felt my insides churn and soon got very nauseous as he explained each round to us. But I keep reminding myself, that win or lose, we are there to have fun and maybe learn a thing or two. And no one is walking out empty-handed. We will all get a little something in the end. That's cool.

For now, I am looking forward to the weekend. I will definitely have to fit in a few study sessions here and there, though it's going to be tight. Tomorrow I am going to watch the Tri Nations game at Ellis Park, SA vs Australia. I won 2 tickets here at work (it's times like these that I love working for the bank) so Ferdi will probably go with me. Weasel says he'd rather watch it at home on TV. What an accountant. Heh heh heh. It's gonna be gooooddddd, I just know it!!!

GO BOKKE!!

Let's be Thankful

Don’t you get tired of people moaning all the time about how much their life sucks, how kak this country is, their jobs, their bodies, their neighbours next door, etc? I see myself falling into this trap easily as I read through previous blogs. It’s so easy to bitch and moan about everything under the sun, it has become the norm. We get out panties into such a tight knot that we forget about the good things in our lives that we should really be thankful for. And most of us, truly have blessed lives. There are a lot of people out there who are so much more unfortunate than us, yet they are so thankful for what little they have. We could learn a lot from them.

My friend went to a function yesterday that was held for the benefit of the “Reach for a Dream” Foundation. By just telling me about these kids’s stories, brought tears to my eyes which I struggled to keep inside. It’s amazing what a cest for life they have, despite being terminally ill. I hope that I can do my little bit to make some of their dreams come true. They have inspired me to do something.

In addition, instead of complaining every day about something on my blog, I am going to try and make it upbeat and really worth reading. Note, I said I am going to try – there might be a few days in the month when I am feeling hormonal and will need to complain, bitch and moan about something. It’s inevitable.

So today I am going to make a list of things I should, and am, thankful for:

- I have my health, and will probably lead a long prosperous life.
- I have a job that pays well, that allows me a lot of free time to blog, chat and do other things without being constantly under my boss’ control.
- My family loves me and is there for me.
- I have many diverse, fun loving friends that make me laugh, want to spend time with me, and offer a good advice and a shoulder to cry on when I need it.
- I have a home and all the things that I need/want to make my life comfortable: clean, running water, electricity, warmth, a bed, etc.
- TV, music, books, internet.
- The ability to travel to different places every now and then.
- Being able to speak different languages and communicate with people from other cultures.
- A decent education, therefore, the ability to read and write.
- Clothes on my back, and being able to afford to buy more clothes than I really need.
- Living in a country that is somewhat free from terrorist attacks, earthquakes and tornadoes. (touch wood).
- Having food on my table, always.

And I am sure there are a whole lot more things! So life is not that bad, hey? Now go and do your list too!!!

n0tl33t

The priest has caught the blog bug, much to the horror of his friends. Ha ha. Check out his blog, here:

n0tl33t

The Saga of the Waffle

I woke up in such a good mood this morning. No struggles to get out of bed. The sun was shining (ok, I lie, it was still dark, but I knew it was going to shine sooner or later), the birds were singing, I had a good feeling that it was going to be a goooood day. Why? Because I was damn sure that I was going to have waffles with ice-cream for breakfast. My friend and I had decided yesterday that this morning we would treat ourselves to some, just cause we felt like it. Who would say no to waffles???

So I get to work, with a spring in my step and whistle down the corridors, get to my desk and wait patiently for my friend to arrive. And I wait. And I wait. And I wait some more. People start to arrive, some old gran gives me her breakfast order since I stupidly told her I was going to the restaurant anyway to have some waffles. It's past 8 in the morning and I am still waiting. WHERE THE HELL WAS SHE????

Eventually I get an sms from her, telling me she is sick so she won't be coming to work. OH! The HORROR of it all!!!! What was I to do? How could this happen? I needed those waffles more than I needed my coffee fix, more than, do I dare to say it, than COKE!

I had even announced on jnf that I was about to have waffles, and in the process became the envy of an unfortunate few. Maybe I jinxed it there. Funny how karma works. So instead, I was stuck eating my boring muesli, which always makes my jaw hurt afterwards from having to chew so carefully.

My craving has not gone away. And Martin keeps on making it worse, by posting pics of yummy waffles on jnf, and adding the word "waffle" here and there in all his sentences. People have died for less, Martin!

I like big butts...

...and I cannot lie.
Ok, that was a kak way to start but that is probably cause it has been a kak week so far and I am not feeling very inspirational. In the aftermath of the beerfest, I firmly believe that I killed the last few brain cells I had - and yes, I actually still had some left over. The days are speeding by me, while everything else seems to be going in slow motion, like my response times. Several times today I have stared at people blankly, with my mouth half open like a special child, when they asked me a question. Thank goodness I am on leave for 2 weeks at the end of the month. Must recharge the batteries then.

So what has been happening these past few days? Well, I managed to book my parents on a flight to Argentina, via Brazil, with SAA for the 16th of September. So that's a good thing. Their new tickets are already in their possession. Let's hope it all goes smoothly. Touch wood. The countdown to their departure starts once more (and to think they would have been there already, damnit). The kak thing is that it looks like it's going to be a whole lot tougher to get our money back from Varig, than we thought. But that's a long story and has everything to do with the fact that we paid with a credit card instead of cash.

Other kak things that have happened this week:
- I have been in one of the worst moods ever due to some events not even worth talking about.
- Our boss let us know more about the new structure that's gonna take place soon. We are now more confused than ever. Nothing is clear cut.
- There are rumours going round that there might be some retrenchments.
- Our teambuilding trip is going to be rescheduled, which means that it will probably be cancelled since there are no other possible dates to go this year. It's just too busy.
- My hayfever is still messing with me.
and last, but not least:
- the coolest Aussie ever, Steve "the crocodile hunter" Erwin, died yesterday in a freak accident with a stingray. RIP dude.

But I still manage to put a stupid smile on my face. The world is not THAT bad. At least I still have my health, *cough* *sneeze*.
No really, I AM smiling. Ha ha.

The bierfest aftermath

I don’t want to speak too soon but I think that this year’s Spring Festival aka the Beerfest was a huge success. We had the best turnout in ages, and we owe it all to good word-of-mouth advertising. I really hope that it shows in the profits.

How I managed not to pass out drunk in the end is a big mystery to me. I started drinking at 10 in the morning since the privileged few like me who got to work in the beer tent, got to test the first few draughts. And once you start, it’s very hard to stop. I ate very little. I was quite the busy bee and social butterfly all at once but still got to sample 2 delicious brockwursts. By the time I realized how little I had eaten and how hungry I was, most of the food had been sold. I missed out on some good cakes, potato pancakes, more sausages, schnitzel and who knows what else. I didn’t even have a go at the tombola, even though this year there were some really good prizes to be won.

But nonetheless, I still had my share of the fun. I was glad to see so many of my friends there, including my jnf buddies, Jeremy and Zara, who came to JHB from Cape Town for the weekend. They were only there for about an hour, but it was really great to see them again. Even a friend from work popped in for a bit.

The highlight of the day was been able to air the tri-nations match live in the beer tent, something that we haven’t been able to achieve before. That attracted a huge crowd, a very thirsty crowd. And the Boks made it all the better by actually beating the All Blacks, narrowly, but it was still a win and more reason to celebrate. So we drank and drank and drank. And we laughed, hugged (cringe), talked kak and had a really good time. I was even glad to see that my knight in shining armour, who fondled my ass on that fateful night when I fell out of that damn tree so he could push me up, came to join us in the celebrations. He said he enjoyed that “moment” so I had to admit that I enjoyed it too. Lol.

I made it home in one piece and only managed to lose my house keys. I am still looking for them. I went to bed straight away and slept right through until lunchtime the next day, so I missed church for the first time in months. It was more from exhaustion than from being babelaas. I just needed that rest. So at the end of the day, it was a really good successful beerfest. Can’t wait for next year’s!!

Oh, and I just heard that one of the guys passed out in the cemetery that night. Ha ha ha. I wonder who that was!! At least it wasn’t me!!!

I am on leave today

We are preparing for our beerfest tomorrow. In case any of you dodos have already forgotten, here is the flyer, again: I have also taken the day off to go to the hairdresser, haha. Three hours in that place should hopefully end up with good results and less money in my purse.

In preparation for tomorrow’s drinking, a kind friend has forwarded me a alcoholics’ survival kit. Bless him.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.