Horror Movies 101

I love watching horror movies, purely because they give me the kakkest nightmares ever. However, of late, few horror movies have been successful at scaring me. Watching blonde bimbos with big boobs getting hacked by a serial killer make me laugh hysterically more than anything else. And most offerings have become so predictable that you know the ending before the first five minutes are up.

Last night I went to the drive-in with the gang to see X-Men 3, cool movie, but yes, not a horror movie. The second one though, The Hills Have Eyes, definitely was. I had no clue what this one was all about but I was quite keen on finding out. The plot seemed a bit far-fetched, as most horror movies tend to be, but it was entertaining enough. Sure, eventually it became very predictable but it managed to score an 8 out of 10 on the scare-o-meter. I was sitting in the car with my three pastor’s daughters, practically on the edge of the seat, with my blanket almost covering my eyes. Now you know how these movies have one of those super-scary moments, full of suspense, when you know something is about to happen but you just don’t know when? This one was so successful that it made me and two of the girls scream at the top of our lungs. I hadn’t done that in ages. I felt really silly afterwards, but hey, any movie that can do that to me deserves a high score!

The movie actually reminded me a lot of another horror movie, “Wrong Turn”. Similar plot, similar characters, same scare factor. It had its funny moments (the hillbillies yelping like hungry schoolkids) but it scared me nonetheless. I am convinced these kind of people do exist. That is why I refuse to visit America, lol.

Now, having watched tons of horror movies, I have learned several things from them and have come up with a survival kit for these dumb characters that get themselves into sticky situations:

1. the lucky ones die first (this is actually a phrase from “The Hills Have Eyes” but in this movie, the film actually does not follow this rule because, in my opinion, the first one to die has the most gruesome death: he gets burnt alive on a pyre. Yikes)

2. the stupid bimbos always die (do you honestly think the smart chick is gonna get hacked? Be serious now)

3. Never take a short cut. It always leads straight to the killer’s home.

4.Always, and I mean always, look behind you!

5. Don’t leave the women alone. The killer will go for them at once.

6. If you need to split up, never go alone. Pair up.

7. If your dog/cat/gerbil has run off, let him be. You will end up dying for your dog/cat/gerbil, which is probably already dead anyway.

8. If you go into a stranger’s house, don’t start going through their stuff. They will kill you just for doing that.

9. If you are running away from the killer, look where you are going and don’t look back! You will trip and fall. And for the love of cream cheese, don’t pause and see if he is still following you, cause he is right behind you.

10. Don’t go near dark, secluded places.

11. Don’t get into a stranger’s car, the killer is waiting for you in the backseat.

12. If you must have sex with your horny girl/boyfriend, don’t do it in a strange place, wait till you get home, otherwise you will be the first victims.

13. At the end, when you kill the villain/killer, don’t walk away, and for freaksakes, don’t drop your weapon next to the body. He/she always resurrects for one final showdown, which could be to the hero(ine)’s detriment.

14. And last but not least, it’s never over, even after the credits roll. There WILL be a sequel.