My last day

Finally, holidays have arrived and I cant wait to get out of this office!!! Im leaving about an hour to catch a few zzzzzz's then spoil my mom at a German restaurant for her birthday. I was just saying to one of my colleagues that it doesnt feel like Christmas to me. This year has gone by too quickly - not that I am complaining, cause it has been one of the worst years of my life, despite some of the good times I have had this year. I cant wait for 2007, it just has to be better!

I will still try to update my blog while Im on holiday, not every day though, cause I will be drowning my sorrows at getting another year older (it's my birthday on Monday, I expect drunken phone calls people!!). I will return to this hell hole on January the 3rd.

I am sitting here with a long to-do list and several Christmas presents that I am dying to open. I am worse than a five year old!!! One of my colleagues sms'd me earlier and I had to laugh out loud, she caught her 6 month old daughter under the Christmas tree ripping one of her presents open. How she knew that it was her present, I have no clue. But the determination makes me laugh, and proud. Hehehhh

Anywhoo, I am not gonna babble anymore. I have had too much champagne and my tongue is loose. I have lots of exciting things coming up over the next few weeks so I will be sharing all those stories with you in due course. Im sure lots of you are going on holiday from today as well, like Berny and Marbro - have fun in Botswana, see you next week! So, let me wish you all a Merry Christmas and drunken Happy New Year!!!

Rock on!!

Last Night

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition Twelve

Dear Dairy, it’s been 5 days since I’ve had ice-cream! I can feel the life force slowly slipping away from me. Don’t know how much longer I can last, I can see the light!

But enough with my dilemmas, lets get on to the sport! This week was quite a big week in the sporting world and even bigger week in the world of politics! Yes the Fat Eye knows all about the world wide conspiracy attempting to put me on a diet!

Recently in the news it came out that Indian peoples do not like being called Koelies, well who would have known? An Indian dude then later in the week made a comment on how Jacque Kallis doesn’t sing the national anthem before games! Kallis stated that he had his own personal reasons for not singing the anthem, which although vague is acceptable.
This ******* then stated that Kallis has no respect for the new SA and that he should give a valid explanation for not singing the anthem! Hmmm, ek wonder?
Kallis has now come out (not the closet, as yet) and said that it has to do with the death of his Father, who he would sing the anthem with! Well I wonder how the ******* feels now? I wonder if an apologee will be forthcoming?

Furthermore in politics this week it was discovered that an Indian long distance runner has failed her, em well, her gender test! After an anonymous tip off she was tested and it was discovered that “she” is actually a man! Hee hee hee! Only in India ek se!

And in keeping with the Indian theme although the Proteas were smacked in the first test, it was still bloody entertaining! Especially so with the Nel – Sreesanth contest! In the first innings Nel smacked Sreesanth around and they had words (Sreesanth acting a lot like Nel)! Then in India’s second innings Nel decided to show Sreesanth how to scare the living daylights out of a batsman! Sreesanth decided to counter punch and show Nel how to bat. After hitting Nel for six he ran down the pitch and did a little dance for Nel! Fuck that was funny! I can’t wait for the next one, hopefully we can win it though!

Also at this time of the year it’s nice reflect on this year passed. Therefore I like to remember the Fat Eye moments as supplied by fans, mostly Cazzy it seems, and she never disappoints! Now she has gone and done it and delivered (on a silver platter) the all time Fat Eye moment!
This week whilst the boys and girls were competing in vigorous game of 30 seconds, the girls came out victories, after the boys had let a massive lead slip! Cazzy then blurted out: “WE SUCK, YOU RULE!”

Weasel, Basti and Modman have however also been hard at work! Weasely seems to have really let himself go, he has really be going at it with reckless abandon! Lately he aksed: “Since when has Theo Walcott been an Arsenal player?” See Theo is the 19 year old who made headlines when he was selected to play for England at the World Cup, and HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN AN ARSENAL PLAYER, DUMMY!
Modman also asked whether Seven was a good movie, this after we had been watching SEVENS RUGBY! Word G!
Basti’s was however my favourite, he being a Sharks fan tuned that there are just too many Sharks in the Boks Sevens team!
Hee hee!

So finally it has arrived, my favourite time of the year, the all you can eat season! Ek se Christmas dinner, pudding and and BOOZE! But lets not forget the real reason of Christmas, PRESENTS! Ek kannie wag!

So till next year have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Totsiens!

Written, for the last time this year apparently, by Ferdi the one who is on a diet

Cazzy Edit: Ferdi told me not to edit this, so here I am, editing. I didn't give him permission to go on leave from his Fat Eye duties two weeks before the end of year, so he might just make an appearance or two again this year. If he knows what's good for him...

Miss SA Pageant - Booby Blunder

I visited Urban Trash this morning where Jeremy was talking about beauty pageants and this reminded me of an incident that occurred recently at our very own Miss SA pageant. Over the years I have lost interest in this event and to be honest, I can’t name the last five or six Miss South Africas. I just don’t give a damn.

Now this year’s pageant might have slipped me by again had it not been for a certain front page story in the Sunday Times this week. It had nothing to do with the winner (I still don’t know who won) but with one of the other contestants. Apparently, the formal dress she decided to wear, caused a huge uproar with some of the judges and viewers, because, wait for it, her dress “was too revealing”. This dress showed off her ample bosom, and that, apparently, is a big no-no. WTF?

I have always been a firm believer of the saying “if you have got it, flaunt it”, so what is wrong with showing some cleavage? But now, what really gets me confused here is that apart from formal dresses, contestants also have to parade on stage in their swimsuits. Surely, these little pieces of clothing show off more flesh than ball gowns?

I smell a conspiracy here. I reckon some bright spark realised that the pageant has lost its sparkle over the years and cried “SCANDAL” just to add some interest again. Anything is possible.

Sunday Times went so far as to run a poll asking readers what they thought of the dress. Only 10% decided that it was too revealing. One reader even commented that she and her 7 and 10 year old daughters were disgusted by the amount of cleavage this contestant showed. Pu-lease. Get a life. We have all seen worse.

Ferdi is broken

And here is the proof. You know how you always tell your kids that if they don't eat their food, they wont get any pudding?? Well, Ferdi just managed to eat his ribs and chippsssss, but failed to finish his pudding!!! Is the world gonna now end? I think so.

Saturday night, the gang and me went to our local Spur for all you can eat ribs. I was smart and ordered a tramezzini. I know my limits. Ferdi, well, he is not the same anymore. Ever since he entered the working world he has been seeing avoiding lifts, and now climbs stairs. His belly is starting to disappear. I dont know my brother anymore. He needs help. I am afraid he might even start to wear pink shirts any day now.

You can see by these pics that he is ashamed of his condition. Look how he tries to cover up. Us girls eventually had to hold his arms so we could show you what state he is in. Please submit your suggestions and advice for Ferdi here. Its much appreciated. Thank you.

Ho Ho Ho

I feel like Mother Christmas today. Once again I am loaded with Christmas presents here in the office. This time, not for orphans, but for my colleagues's kids. I went mad at a discount toy shop yesterday and bought a trolley full of toys, I even bought some for myself. I couldnt help it, ok?

My Christmas shopping list increases every year and I always say, this year Im going to get an early start and avoid the Christmas rush. I did start early this time, but after 3 weeks of shopping, I am still not done!! I am so tired of shopping malls and crowds of people that I think I might just pull a Scrooge on some people. But I dont have the heart to do that.

Even though I am only going on leave next week Friday, today I am leaving early, in about an hour in fact, for a little Christmas lunch at one of my colleague's place. After this hectic week, it will be nice to just sit down, relax and talk kak for a bit. The weekend should be good too - though Berny has begged me nicely to convince everyone to go watch Dozi tonight. What?!!! Did you read that properly? Yes, Dozi. I think I owe Berny one, so I will do my best to oblige her.

Ou ryyyyyppppperrrrrddddddd. Yippee Yippeee yip.


Ho ho ho ho.

Ag shame

After my long long day yesterday, Ferdi finally came to fetch me, just before six in the evening. I was tired and grumpy. So I get in the car, and he casually says, "I brought you a present there, a coke". I saw a can lying there under the cubbyhole and said to him "ja ja, it's empty right? You are playing a joke on me". So he said "no jokes, its for you". And true as bob, the can was full! Tears welled up in my eyes, and I thought "Who is this, and what have you done with my brother? Ag, shame, he is so sweet!!" I was so overcome with emotion that I said to him that I was gonna write about this momentous occassion in my diary. So here it is.

You all might think this is so silly, and maybe it is, but whenever my brothers do something for me, I take note. It's not that they never do anything for me, because they do, but the things that they do for me mean a lot, especially these days. Hells bells, what the hell did they put in my lunch today? I am NEVER this soppy!!!!! AHHHHHHHGHHHHH!!!!

I almost ruined that wonderful moment yesterday while Ferdi and I drove home. I was lost in thought, when suddenly I hear Ferdi going "weeeeeeee" in a girly voice while looking at me, all excited. I missed our wee moment!!!!! Oh boy, you must all be thinking now that I have really lost it!!! You see, every time Ferdi and I go over a certain speed bump somewhere near home, he speeds up a bit and we both go "weeeeeeeee!!!!!!" And yesterday I missed it. I watched as his bottom lip slowly protuded from his mouth while he sulked. Shame, I better not forget this afternoon!!!

In other news, I was very disappointed that I was not able to donate blood today. I was looking forward to it all day, especially since there is a blood shortage, but I was turned away cause my iron levels in my blood are too low. Bugger. No wonder I am dizzy and crazy today.

Damn I'm exhausted!!!

These last two days have gone by so fast yet they felt like two long days at the same time. This week is social awareness week for us at work and together with two of my colleagues I have been involved in organising a Christmas party for Christway Orphanage and Creche, and the children's ward in Baragwanath Hospital. What a mission!

First we had to raise enough money for everything which was a task in itself but luckily we got some wonderful (and huge) donations from several people. After a long queue at the bank trying to change signatories on the cheque account we raced to Makro to do all the shopping. Now I love shopping, but after yesterday, I dont think I want to go near a shop for a long long time (and I still havent finished my Christmas shopping - but that's another story, another blog).

Since we were paying by cheque, we had to get it cleared before we even attempted to shop. After almost an hour of waiting, I was told that they couldnt authorise the cheque because the financial position on that account was unknown - reason being, there is irregular activity on that account. Duh!! Its an account purely for charity work! Of course its going to have irregular activities on it. Several phone calls later to the bank (let's not forget that I work for the said bank) back and forth, we were given the all clear and the shopping could begin, even though I was miffed about wasting so much precious time.

I was in charge of organising gifts for the 20 orphans (toys and toiletries), plus for getting them as much groceries as I could. I had a big budget so naturally I went mad. My two friends organised gifts for the hospital kids plus Christmas decorations, then sweet packs and food for the orphanage and creche party. I filled 2 trolleys! After 2 hours of going up and down every aisle, we walked to the till dragging FIVE trolleys.

I was so afraid that we were over budget. We ended with a colossal bill, but still with a few thousand to spare. Next we had to figure out how to fit five trolleys worth of goods, into two cars. With great difficulty, I said. Nice thing about this was that I got home early. I was dropped off at home with several laundry baskets full of goods so I could organise everything into parcels. I was still missing a few things so I went to Cresta for some more retail therapy. That took hours again (thank god for extended shopping hours) so by the time I got home I didnt even have the energy to wrap gifts. But I had to force myself to do it and I wrapped till the early hours. And then I couldnt sleep....

This morning I got Ferdi and Weasel to help me carry everything upstairs to my office. It was Weasel's first time in my place of work so he was so excited. Right. Then it was off to breakfast with my cycling team (finally) and then off we went to the orphanage (while another group went to Bara). We set up 2 jumping castles and made them hotdogs, plus handed out sweet packs etc. We also loaded their combi with all the groceries and gifts I had organised. It was so rewarding to see all the smiles in the children's faces.

This orphanage has 20 orphans living there permanently and then they run a day care centre which has between 150 to sometimes even 400 (!!) children! It's clearly visible that these people struggle, and receive few donations. That is why we have decided to help them as much as we can. I first visited this place around Easter when we held a similar party for these kids. They have definitely won me over and hold a special place in my heart. I want to do as much as I can for these kids.

After the party we treated ourselves to a lunch at a nearby restaurant. I was finished!! I was hoping to go home early but now Im back in the office (with an ever-increasing in-tray I see) waiting for Ferdi to pick me up. My eyes feel heavy, and I could go to sleep right now. Except that Im dirty and in need of a bath. And a good massage. Haha. But nonetheless, this is all worth it, just to see smiles on kids' faces.

The funeral

On Saturday I got up at 4am to travel for about four hours to Newcastle in KZN. That's Claudia's home town and that's where her funeral was held. On the way there I was in a sort of cheerful mood though I was really dreading this sad event. I have only ever been to one other funeral, and that was my other friend who also passed away from a brain hamorraghe. I try to avoid funerals as much as possible - I just hate emotional events like this, and what I hate the most, is crying in front of people. For me, that has always been a sign of weakness. But I had to make the exception here and attend her funeral.

We arrived at the church about 30 minutes before the funeral and already the place was packed with people from all over. I travelled with my pastor, Uli and Inki, and some of their friends. We met friends we hadn't seen in while there, it just sucked that it had to be in such kak circumstances.

Eventually the family and boyfriend arrived and we all gathered at the cemetery. It was just all too much for me. It really hit home that she was really gone when they put her down into the ground and threw mounds and mounds of soil on her. I held onto my friend and watched in horror as her coffin was completely covered.

We then moved onto the church for the service. It was already packed with people so I sat outside on the grass with my friends and stared into nothingness. A storm was about to break. It looked menacing and finally gave in just as the service ended. As we were about to have some tea and snacks (not that we were really hungry) at the hall, it started to hail, big ice blocks. I havent seen such a terrible storm in ages. The grounds were flooded in minutes. I thought to myself, it looks as if all the angels in heaven are crying.

As soon as the storm passed we got ready to leave. I hugged her mom and she assured me that she felt much stronger now. I struggled to fight back the tears. The drive back felt long but at least I got some closure now, and felt a bit better too. Needless to say, I felt like getting drunk that night, to be numb and feel nothing. And so I did.

I went with Berny, Marbro, Ferdi and co to play pool at Paddys. It was like apartheid as the girls played on one table, the boys on another, haha. We started off with tequila and then Smirnoff, but by the 4th (or was it 5th) drink I had to call it quits cause I was in no mood to get sick. I didnt win a single pool match but I had fun. It was a good distraction.

Fat Eye for the Sports Fan: Edition Eleven

Better late than never I always says! So here it are the three time literary award winner, the Fat Eye!

As you all know the Fat Eye started his new job this week, yes indeed I am a grafter! Serving justice, helping the poor and bringing peace to the land, Duffman! Yip it’s all in a days work for the Fat Eye!

Ok so lets get started, firstly Weasely has now been on leave for about oh two days and he is already bored! Me thinks it has something to do with an incident that the Fat Eye witnessed on Friday night when I walked in on Weasel watching a Tom Cruise film whilst the CRICKET WAS ON! Ek kannie glo nie!
He was also drinking a Pepsi at the time!

In other news Basti asked me where Man United was on the log!

And yet again Sky News has delivered the goods; in a division 1 game in which 7 goals were scored an incident happened where a striker managed to save his very own goal! He lobbed a header towards the goal, then made a second attempt in which he headed the goal bound ball over the cross bar! His team lost!

The Fat Eye, Bastlein and Spies were out on the cricket pitch this week! We played for like hours and I hit the biggest six, there were no winners or losers! Just players who are equals except for the Fat Eye who is a cut above the rest!

The Fat Eye witnessed some very disturbing images this week aswell! See the Fat Eye was of the opinion that a pink shirt in itself was gay and that no further measures need be resorted to, the Fat Eye was wrong! See I saw a dude wearing a pink golf shirt with no sleeves, as if it weren’t gay enough as is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Fat Eye has always been at the forefront of new styles and thus I decided to educate those who don’t know better, after all not everyone is blessed with the sight! The Fat Eye had to choose his apprentices very carefully, therefore who better than Cazzy herself, and her good designer friend Sonja?
The Fat Eye started off small expounding this seasons in fashion, I didn’t want to overwhelm them at this stage! See this seasons style is knee high khaki shorts, a golf T and pointy leather shoes for the guys, as for the ladies they can wear, well nothing!
As it turns out it didn’t take long to find a specimen as Quentin (Cazzy’s friend) had taken the Fat Eye’s advice, unfortunately no ladies could be found!

I lost ten bucks in Poker thanks to a drunken V-Dawg!
Ronaldo is gay!
Boks won the sevens!
Daddy does Pilates!
Phillip Burger is a fruitcake according to Basti’s mommy!
And last but not least Kayla, a six year old, rates the Parlotones are gay!

Nuff said, see you peeps next week!

Word M-unit on the new job!

Written by the new working man, Ferdinova

What's in a name?

Fruit apparently. At least, that's what some nut jobs are using to name their kids. What ever happened to common names like John and Mary? Yeah, I suppose they are rather boring. If I ever happen to have kids (cringe) I would also want some exotic name for my offspring. But some names border on the ridiculous!

The kings and queens of "blessing" their kids with weird names have to be Bob Geldof and the late Paula Yates: Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom and Little Pixie. Hells Bells!!!! Something tells me that Paula was off her rocker and most to blame for these creative names, as she later named her child with (the also late) Michael Hutchence, Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lilly. What a mouthful! I wonder if these kids got teased at school...never mind kids being nasty, parents can also be so cruel!!!!

There is now a huge trend among celebs to outdo each other by calling their kids the most unheard of names (some even inventing their own translations for the names) like Suri (Cruise), Shiloh Nouvel (Jolie-Pitt) and should I mention poor Apple? This is fast catching onto regular everyday people - if celebs are doing it, then so must we!

Recently a British study was done to see what are the most popular names at the moment. For girls, the top 10 are: Keira, Kylie, Shakira, Britney, Peaches (there you go!), Madonna, Beyonce (my condolences to those kids), Dido (!!), Catherine Zeta (!!!) and Apple (haha, but of course). For the boys: Tiger (grrr), Keanu (actually, this one is not bad), Dre, Gazza, Brooklyn, Tupac (hehehh), Jay-Z, Snoop, David Beckham (hohoho) and Superman!!! (no Martin, this is not a dig at you, I cant help what the results of this study show *wink*).

So there you have it folks. My parents never had much of an imagination so I wonder if I can change my name to Queen Cazzy of the Evil Underworld Watermelon?

On a lighter note...

Sometime last week, a bunch of us went to see that anti-semitic, misogynist, racist, homophobic, barely-toilet trained, vulgar, rude, disgusting, um, where was I? Oh, yes, we went to see that man that likes to "pick up prostitute" and "watch ladies while they make toilet" as a hobby, otherwise known as Borat Sagdiyev. Phew, what an introduction!!

I caught a few glimpses of the nutcase with a big moustache on the Ali G Show (who can ever erase that infamous "g-string" from their minds) but he failed to make me laugh, until I saw the movie. Silly, and disgusting, as it was, I laughed from beginning to end, something that most films have failed to achieve.

So what if most of it literally involved toilet humour? And that hotel room scene!! Aaah!! I think, in my mind, what made it so successful was how Sacha Baron Cohen unwittingly managed to make fun of the Americans. That country is so dense that I think they have yet to realise that they are being ripped off here in a big way - especially since this film has been such a huge hit in America. What dumbasses. Why should the Kazakhstani people feel offended? Their country has been put on the map!! There is nothing better than free publicity.

I take off my hat to Mr Cohen. He's got balls.

Iz nice!!

Bloody licence call centre!!!

Trying to book for my forsaken learner's driver's licence is making me so frustrated and despondent, that at this rate, I will get my licence when I am 50!!!! (no jokes, my aunt got hers when she was around that age). I have been phoning every day for the past few months, religiously, that useless call centre and can you believe that to date I have not been able to make a booking in the whole of Johannesburg????

Everytime I phone, they tell me in the over-polite call centre sing song voice that they "regret to inform me, but they are not able to find any space in Johannesburg right now, but please (really, please) phone regularly again to check if there have been any cancellations". How about you pick a finger and then I tell you where to stick it???

Ok, I know I am at fault here for dragging this and not getting my licence as soon as I turned 18. Believe me, I am still kicking myself. This is actually the FOURTH (yes, fourth) time that I will be writing my learners (last one I wrote in May, which I failed by 2 points, dumbass). The first time I wrote this, was when I was about 19, I think, before the days of call centres. All I had to do was go to my nearest testing station, fill in my form, pay a small fee and book for my tests. No hassles. No problem.

The introduction of this useless central booking system was supposed to make our lives easier and the booking process more efficient. No such thing! Efficient for who, may I ask??? I am getting so annoyed with this that sooner or later Im gonna throw in the towel and live a life of dependency on those lucky buggers who already drive. And I know that I am not the only one who has complained about this. Apparently 94.7 has made several complaints as well. But nobody cares. Nobody listens.

Claudia: Rest in peace, my friend

Claudia has gone to a better place. I still cannot believe that she is gone. I miss her so much already. It was just two months ago that we celebrated her 21st birthday (picture above). I remember us chicks, each with a bottle of champagne in hand, in the parking lot outside Billy the Bums, singing at the top of our voices "Happy Birthday Claudia!" None of us ever thought that that would be the last time.

Her parents have decided to donate her organs. So at least she will help to save a few lives. She leaves us with some very good memories. We became very close this year and I thank god for the time that he allowed me to spend with her, like at youth camp - I specifically remember her and me, sitting on the stoep outside the hostel, trying to drink from a box of wine. I still laugh every time I think about that moment. Or the time she stuck her finger down my throat at Ingrid's birthday, just so that I would throw up - now THAT is a good friend.

I miss our long email convo's, our girls' night outs, I miss HER. Goodbye my friend. You are in God's hands now.

A kak way to start a weekend

The past 24 hours have been a real rollercoaster ride for me. Yesterday afternoon I was so positive that Claudia, my friend in ICU, was gonna pull through. She was stable, and had even twitched once. When I got to the hospital last night, I immediately saw all the long faces and knew that things weren't looking good. I was told that for the meantime, they were only letting in family members to see her so the rest of us congregated outside and tried to cheer each other up. There was no change - and apparently that wasn't good at all.

My friend and I managed to sneak in to see her later on, and we massaged her feet and talked to her. That seemed to get her to respond as her heart rate went up again. My spirits lifted somewhat, and so I tried to remain positive. But it was just so damn hard not to cry right then and there. Soon after we went home but I couldnt sleep.

This morning I got an sms from Inki saying that she was off life support and breathing on her own!! That had to be good news!! I was so happy and I was sure that things could only get better. But that wasn't to be so, I got my hopes up too quickly. I have been on the phone with different people all morning and they all tell me the same thing: she had another stroke this morning and the doctor is ready to give up. He feels there is nothing more that they can do for her.

This is still not sinking in, it feels so unreal and impossible. But I am not giving up. She is strong and a fighter. She has to pull through. She just has to!!