The Boring Form

You know how you sometimes get these emails asking you to fill in random, sometimes very useless information about yourself and then forward it on to all your friends (who should really all know you by now)? Well, lately I have been getting them once too often and I have to admit that boredom gets the better of me. I complete them all and select a few victims to send this to. They probably don’t even bother reading them (I mean, really, some of them are flippen long) but occasionally I get a few replies here and there. So here I have compiled some of the most useless questions, and come up with some wacky answers – do you honestly think I am going to give you my home address and criminal record here? Think again.

Happy reading. Or not. Your funeral.

Full Name: Queen Cazzy of the Evil Underworld
Date and Place of Birth: 25 December 1 000 000 BC, Hell
No, no, your REAL Date of Birth: Um, 2 000 000 BC???
Height: Short-ish
Weight: Big bum, so….
Sex: Anytime
Home Address: 6 Burn Drive, Hot-in-the-City, 666, Dungeon Province, Evil Underworld
Profession: That’s obvious - Ruler of all evil
Hobbies: Biting necks, sucking blood, collecting toe nails
Interesting Bodily Scars: Use your imagination, I have been around for a while and carry a lot of plasters around with me.
Academic Qualifications: Honours in Evil Spells and Rituals
Previous Jobs: Tom, Dick and Harry
Blood Type: Red and lots of it. Yummy.
Car Type: Flaming Lamborghini
Criminal Record: Stole plenty of hearts
Do you like blue cheese: Yes, it goes well with toenails. And hearts
Do you own a gun? FFS, I am the Queen of the Evil Underworld, why would I need a gun?
Wax or Shave Bodyparts? I prefer to tweeze
Real or Fake Nails: I am all real, baby
Favourite Christmas Song: Jingle Bells Ferdi Smells
What do you prefer to drink in the morning: A bloody Mary (preferably a nun)
Do you have ADD? What? Me? Um, what? Ooooo look! Shiny paper!
Worst Trait: Burping out the alphabet
Favourite Sport: Gladiators
Dislikes: Goody-too-shoes, avocado
Favourite Place to Be: Cazzfest Dungeon
Do you own slippers? Hell no, only pussies and old wrinkly grannies wear slippers. I wear flip flop.
Favourite Colour: Fuchsia
Song you sing in the shower: I love you, you love me, Barney gave me HIV
What’s in your pocket right now? A banana
How many pets do you have? One monkey and three penguins (and boy, do they complain about the heat! All I hear is “where’s the f*cking snow? Damn global warming!!!! Where’s the f*cking snow?)
What were you doing at midnight? Gravedancing
What time did you get up this morning? I don’t sleep
Favourite TV Show: Dexter (Oh this is so true)
Last film you saw at the cinema: Dark Night – bloody fantastic. Anyone want to let me do the pencil trick on them? Moooohahahahhaha
Breakfast: Entrails
Favourite Item of Clothing: My red cape, much better and less gay than Superman’s
Favourite Vacation: Mars
Morning / Night Person: I am a creature of the night
What did you want to be when you were little: Big
How are you today? Full of shit
What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head. You should listen in on the conversation, we are talking about cloning Ferdi.
If you were a fruit, what would you be? Gay
Favourite toy as a child? Whips and chains
What is under your bed? My toenail collection
What’s the time? GET A FREAKIN WATCH YOU MORON!!!
Favourite Holiday: All Hell’s Eve
What would you like to accomplish before you die? Team up with Eric Cartman and hide all the hippies in his basement.





I certify that all of the above is – COMPLETE BULLSHIT.